


Lost Without Each Other

by HarperJean



Series: Every Word I Say [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Cheating, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, Musicians, Unrequited Love, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:15:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 34,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8896234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarperJean/pseuds/HarperJean
Summary: Phoebe and Zac have known each other since the beginning.  They have been through everything together.  So when Zac meets and inevitably marries another woman, Phoebe thinks things are over between them forever.





	1. I'm Tired of Running

Phoebe sat with a crinkled envelope in her hands on a porch she had been on hundreds of times. She sat on the wooden stairs, too terrified to go up to the door and knock. There was no good outcome to knocking. Either he would answer or she would answer or one of the kids would answer, and Phoebe would be standing there not knowing what to say. How was it that she could write the most flowery and expressive lyrics about her intensely personal experiences, but at this moment she had no idea what she would say to any of them if given the chance. She looked down that the envelope she was holding. Inside was a cassette tape with a song recorded on it. She hoped that he still had a cassette player for nostalgia’s sake. She had obviously kept hers in the closet of her childhood bedroom. She recorded all of her songs when she was younger that way. Just her, and her guitar, and the cassette player whose right hand speaker turned into a microphone when you pressed the red button on the side. She recorded a song like that earlier today, and put the finished product in this envelope that she had held in her hands for so long that it looked like it was just as old as the tape.

Phoebe sat with a crinkled envelope in her hands on a porch she had been on hundreds of times.

She had thought about writing a letter, thinking maybe there were some left over words in there that she could spill out onto paper, but she realized as she picked up her pen that there was nothing left to say. She and Zac had said every single thing they possibly could - both the beautiful and the horrifying. So she picked up her guitar and sang a song she had written a few days ago while they were in the throes of whatever it was they thought wasn’t going to blow up in their faces. Stupid, she thought. So stupid. But she supposed that this ending was what they were destined for all along.

She had seen lights on in some of the windows as she got off her bike and went up the porch steps an hour ago. There was a car in the driveway, so she knew someone was home. She couldn’t stay here all night, she thought to herself. She had to go back to New York in the morning. And yet here she was, sitting quietly on the porch that had seen so much. In the town where this whole confusing thing started in the first place.

#### 16 years earlier 

Phoebe clambered out of the bus and stopped on the corner to catch her breath before walking the two blocks back to her house. She was still probably too small to be hauling her cello to and from school every day, but of course when given the opportunity to play a stringed instrument, she had chosen this one instead of a violin which she could carry with ease. Orchestra was the only class she really enjoyed anyway, so maneuvering her instrument on and off the bus every day didn’t actually bother her.

It was a hot day in Tulsa, the school year winding down. Phoebe was about to finish her freshman year of high school. She was excited to have that one under her belt. Starting high school hadn’t been her favorite thing she had ever done, but she got through it and now she had the whole summer to look forward to. She walked down the sidewalk, a small trickle of sweat rolling down her left cheek, towards her house that was way too big for her family. It was two stories, three bedrooms, two bathrooms. A big kitchen and dining room, a den, a huge backyard. All for her mother and her. As she had gotten older she wondered why her mom hadn’t downsized. Why she kept the house in order as though it were a museum of a time when there were four of them and nothing would ever go wrong. When she was ten years old, Phoebe’s father and 14 year old brother were coming home from an out of town baseball game when they were hit by a semi truck whose driver wasn’t paying attention. They both died on impact, and suddenly the family shrunk to two. Phoebe’s mother would never be the same. Not only had she lost the love her life, but also her boy, her oldest. She dissolved into a shadow of herself.

It was in the few years after the tragedy that Phoebe was absorbed into another family that lived in the neighborhood. They were a big clan. Seven children, so it was no wonder they barely noticed another little girl running around the yard. She was about a month younger than their third oldest, so of course they were the two that became attached at the hip pretty early on. The parents and kids were very aware of the tragedy that had occurred and the healing that would need to take place. They probably overcompensated on that front, but Phoebe didn’t care. All of a sudden she had three older boys clamoring to fill the void left by her big brother, and two adults who never failed to invite her to dinner. 

The three boys, when they gained a new unrelated sister, were ten, twelve, and fourteen. Phoebe had known the family since before she could remember, but her earliest memory of officially meeting one was when she was seven and she and the second oldest began going to the same piano teacher. His slot was right after hers, and they always saw each other and exchanged a few words if Phoebe’s mom was a few minutes late picking her up. He was such a sweet boy, incredibly polite for a nine year old, with bright blond hair and shocking blue eyes. At their studio recital that year, she met the rest of the family (although the youngest hadn’t actually been born yet). The whole family was musical, but the older three seemed to have been sent from another, musical planet. She remembered one tuesday when her mom literally just forgot about her at the piano teacher’s house and she listened to Taylor play for nearly his entire hour. She thought quietly to herself, “wow I will never ever be that good,” Not taking into account that she had two more years to get there but also he was just really good for such a young person. The boys had already formed a band in their family’s garage and they had even started performing at events around town. The novelty of them being young wasn’t the only thing they had going for them. They were actually...really good. Meeting Taylor first and in a way that made her immediately admire him set her up for a lifetime of adoration. She always strove for excellence when he was around, always wanted to impress him in one way or another (although usually musically). 

After the Hansons absorbed Phoebe into their clan, she began playing music with the boys. They had their band, of course, but it was fun to just jam with them after she got home from school and they were done with their homeschool lessons for the day. She preferred strings over any other kind of instrument, and sometimes they would even ask her to add cello lines to their already written songs. Ike became her big brother, teaching her guitar until she knew enough to pick out any chord progression. Taylor was her angel, the one that cheered her up whenever the crushing reality of the loss she had suffered came crashing down on her incredibly young shoulders. And Zac was, being only one month older than her, her best friend. 

But all of this was a time long gone. It had been years since their last garage jam session, due to the fact that they boys had rocketed to pop stardom, becoming huge, albeit young, hometown heroes. They had been touring constantly, and Phoebe felt as though she had once again lost a brother (or three). She wrote emails to them constantly, and they would send her handwritten letters from wherever they were at the time. This last leg of their tour had seemed particularly long, probably because Phoebe was having trouble making friends in high school. She just wanted her real friends back. Those golden haired brothers who had known her through her biggest losses. Which is why when she saw Zac leaning casually on her mother’s van she nearly dropped her cello case in surprise.  
He was fiddling with callouses on his hands, and didn’t look up when she stopped dead in her tracks about a block from the driveway. She wondered if it was even really him. She didn’t know they were coming home this weekend. 

“Zac??” She yelled from where she stood. 

He looked up like an eager puppy, seeing her loping towards him, moving as quickly as she could while encumbered with her particularly large instrument. 

He met her halfway, completely enveloping her in a huge hug that lifted her off the ground. He and his hair had grown a few inches since the last time they had been together, which took her by surprise. She hadn’t been expecting the ease with which he scooped her up, or the angle she had to put her head in order to look him in the eye. 

“I didn’t know you were coming home!” She exclaimed, barely able to form any other coherent thoughts out of pure excitement. 

“Yeah we have a few weeks in between legs of this tour. So we thought we might as well come home for part of it!” 

“I’m so...I’m so happy you’re here! I thought...I don’t know what I thought. This tour has seemed to go on forever.”

“I know,” he agreed, “I’m ready for a break. It’s been insane.” He picked up her cello case and walked with her back to her house. 

“Tell me everything!” 

“I’ve told you most things in the letters!” He laughed at her enthusiasm, but she could tell he was excited too. They had their best friends back, and there is something about that that makes you feel like you’re full of light. The bright yellow feeling that only happens when your favorite person in the world looks you straight in the eye.  
Phoebe wasn’t surprised to see no sign of her mom downstairs. She hauled her cello case up to her room and peeked into her mom’s bedroom. Sure enough she was laying in bed. It was about time for her afternoon nap. The one she took when the weight of the day felt like too much. 

“Hey Mom?” She said quietly, not wanting to run off to Zac’s house with no warning. 

Her mom grunted from under the covers, acknowledging Phoebe’s presence. 

“Can I go over to Zac’s?” 

“Zac is home?” she muttered.

“Yep!” 

“Of course, honey,” she replied, waving her hand as if to shoo Phoebe back out of the room. Phoebe bounded back down the stairs, jumping over the last three steps.

“Want to come over for dinner?” Zac asked with a smirk.

“Oh I thought you’d never ask,” Phoebe joked back. 

#### Present Day 

Phoebe took a deep breath, wavering back and forth as to what she should do. She didn’t want the tape being given to anyone but Zac. She didn’t want to leave it on the doormat and have Shep accidentally step on it on his way out. It was the end of January and she could see her breath in the air. It was crazy for her to stay on this porch. Maybe she would just ride her bike downtown and drop it off at the studio, instead. She stood up with a sigh, and as she shook her hands to regain feeling in her numb fingers (she had forgotten to put gloves on when she left her house), fully intending on leaving, she heard the door open. She turned quickly, and saw him there, framed by the golden light of a warm home in the middle of winter. She, on the other hand, was flanked by greyish snow. The kind that fell about a week ago, but it had been too cold for it to melt so it just kind of hung around. Reminding you of mistakes. 

They stood there in silence for what seemed like hours, even though it was probably only a few seconds. She climbed the three steps up to the door and handed him the envelope. She tried her best to think of something to say to accompany this gesture, but as she breathed in to form the sentence, She could hear a child yell for her dad from inside. 

She decided to leave without saying anything. She mounted her bike, feeling lighter after disposing of the envelope. She didn’t look back as she pedalled away.


	2. I Can Feel you Read my Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are home from tour and Phoebe is ecstatic to have her best friends back.

#### 16 Years Earlier 

Phoebe and Zac walked the few blocks west to his house quickly, as though there was a deadline. There wasn’t one, Phoebe just knew that there were two other boys there that she desperately wanted to see. As though they could read her mind, as soon as the house came into view, she saw them sitting on the porch waiting patiently for her arrival. 

“Phoebs!!” Tay called from the short distance. He scrambled up off of the porch step and ran towards her, swinging her around with ease. Ike was right behind him, he too lifting her up off the ground, as though needing to show that he could do it just as easily. “We’ve missed you so much!” Taylor exclaimed.

“I missed you too! Like...a lot,” she responded, giggling to hide her desperation. She had missed them so much. More than they missed her, she could bet on it. She didn’t have any real friends at her school but they had thousands of fans chanting their names at any given time. 

Isaac glanced back at the house, “Dinner is almost ready but maybe after that we can jam. It’s been…”

“Years.” Phoebe finished for him. “Not that I...have been keeping track or anything.” 

The three boys laughed and ushered her into the house. While they were making their way to the table Taylor bent over and muttered in her ear.

“Have you been writing?” 

Her face broke out in a grin. She had been waiting to tell him all of the songs she had written while they had been away. To gloat...just a little. 

Dinner was loud, the only way a dinner of 10 can be. Side conversations split off quickly, glances were exchanged across the table, and laughter erupted sporadically throughout. Phoebe couldn’t stop smiling. She only realized after she had finished her plate that the boys had also (very quickly) finished theirs. 

“May we be excused?” Taylor asked pollitely. 

“Are you already done? Who is we?” Diana, their ever patient mother, responded. She looked around and realized he was talking about the three oldest and Phoebe. Of course. “I suppose. Take your dishes to the sink, though.” 

“Thanks Mom!” Zac exclaimed, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek before scooping up his dishes. The four of them ran to the garage, a fraction of their instruments still there. Waiting for them. 

“Play me some of your new stuff!” Phoebe exclaimed, picking up Ike’s old bass and tuning it by ear. 

“You won’t know it though,” Taylor argued. 

“She’ll pick it up,” Zac said from behind his drums. He had just thrown off the tarp that was covering his very first set, which he hadn’t played since last time they were home. 

“I’d rather hear new stuff. And I’m sure you’d rather play songs you don’t play every night on tour,” She offered. She was surprised they even wanted to play any songs tonight. This is what they did every single night of their lives. This was their job. Surely they would want a break during their very short vacation. She almost said all of this, but selfishly refrained. She wanted to play music with them more than anything right now.

Zac counted them in and the three boys started playing a song she had never heard. It was beautiful, a different feel than their last album. She watched Ike’s fingers for a few measures, learning the chord progression and branding it into her memory. She liked playing bass with them because it was so close to cello making it pretty easy for her. Also, none of them played bass. Well they could...but none of them were as good as her. 

The song seamlessly transitioned into the next. As usual, she was astounded that they had written this much new material while they had been touring. But they were always writing. Always. It was a thing she had learned very quickly about those three. She looked around at the three of them, perfectly content to be jamming in a garage on a summer evening. Sometimes it all felt surreal, their success. There she was, every day, sitting in math class doodling her own lyrics, practicing her cello for hours and hours on end, living a relatively normal life. And yet there were days she would see their smiling faces on magazine covers at the drug store, or on her television when she switched on MTV after school, and she just couldn’t believe how different their lives were from hers. Those were her best friends, but they were so removed from her every day life. She wondered if they cared about her as much as she did about them. Surely not, right? 

The garage door swung open and Phoebe was surprised to see the shadowed figure outlined by the night sky. They hadn’t been playing that long, had they? She checked her watch. It was already 9pm. 

“Phoebe, do you need to be home by any time?” Their father Walker asked, concerned that his sons were getting away with too much, as usual. 

“No, it’s a Friday night. I don’t have school in the morning,” Phoebe replied, not wanting to say that her Mom probably hadn’t even realized she was gone, thinking she was just in her room doing her own thing, even though she had said she was going to Zac’s earlier that day. 

“Good, well come into the house, you’ve been out here long enough.” 

“Dad, we do this…” 

“I know, but you’re not on tour right now you’re home. Come on, guys.” 

They made their way back, the rest of the clan in various places throughout the house. Phoebe mindlessly made her way to the living room when Zac grabbed her hand. 

“I forgot, I have to show you something. It’s in my room,” he explained, tugging her towards the stairs. 

“Oh...um...okay,” she looked over at Taylor and Ike, already distracted by their other siblings. She followed him up the stairs and into his room, looking around expectantly. He shut the door behind him and stood there, clearly not showing her anything. 

“So what is it?” She asked. 

“What?”

“You said you had something to show me, you weirdo.” 

“Oooh right. Yeah, sorry I don’t have anything. I just wanted to hang out with my best friend without my brothers or my parents commandeering her time.” 

Phoebe chuckled at that, and smiled inwardly knowing that he had missed her too. He plopped down on the bed and looked up at her, patting the spot in front of him. 

“Come on,” he said. She slipped of her shoes and climbed up on his twin bed. “Tell me every single thing that I missed while I was gone.” 

“Well…” Phoebe began, “High school definitely sucks...” 

***

The weekend passed by in a flash, a cruel tease of what summer could be. Phoebe spent Saturday with the boys, not so much playing music but instead being teenagers in Tulsa. They drank soda and went to the park and she fell asleep that night sunshine-tired and happy. The following Monday at school was even worse than all the previous Mondays that year. She even had trouble focusing in Orchestra. 

She had two weeks left of school. Only two weeks and then she was free for three whole months. The only downside was that her friends would only be here for two weeks until they geared back up for their next tour leg. She sighed deeply at that thought. Maybe she could go with the family to a few of their shows while she was out of school. Surely she could, right? The loved her! She was practically their other daughter. She held onto that idea for the rest of the school day, hoping that she could bring it up to Walker at some point. He could pull some strings and make it happen. Maybe she could even go on tour with them for a few months. 

But then she thought about her own mother, and how there was no way she could just leave her all alone for the summer. That would be irresponsible, even for a 14 year old. 

That afternoon, she went straight over the boy’s house. She found them in the garage, working on a brand new song. When they saw her, Taylor took it as a sign. It was time for a break. 

“You don’t have to stop just because I’m here!” 

“No, we need to. We’ve been going at it all afternoon,” Taylor explained. “Are you gonna stay for dinner?” 

“Of course,” Phoebe offered. She could tell he wanted her to. 

“Cool,” he said as he walked away, not specifying where he was going. Phoebe looked around and realized that Isaac had also quickly taken his leave. Shrugging her shoulders, she took a seat on an amp near where she was standing. 

“I wasn’t ready for a break,” Zac said, looking around bewildered. He hadn’t moved from his drums. 

“I’m sure you all are just still kinda tired from tour, right? So what if you take a few days off from writing and working on new stuff.”

“We can’t stop. We’re always writing,” he said matter of factly. 

“Well that I understand.” 

“Play me something of yours. I need a break from our stuff.” 

Phoebe smiled involuntarily. She didn’t have many chances to share her songs, so knowing someone wanted to hear one made her automatically happier than she had been a few seconds ago. 

“Are you sure?” She asked. 

“I just asked you, didn’t I?” 

She nervously tucked her hair behind her ears and picked up one of Ike’s acoustic guitars, which he had left when he scurried out of the garage. 

She played him a song she had been working on for months. It was about her dad and her brother, and about how much she missed them. How life wasn’t the same without them. That it would never be the same, no matter what she did. About how she had been so young, about how she barely knew them. She looked up at Zac when she strummed the final chord and, seeing his furrowed brow, immediately worried that he had hated it. 

“Phoebe, those are some of the best lyrics I’ve ever heard,” he said earnestly. 

“Oh come on,” she responded, rolling her eyes dramatically. 

“I’m serious. That was...that was great.” 

“Not as good as you guys.”

“Oh seriously, shut up Phoebe. You’re just as good as us. We’re famous because of a fluke. Seriously. Right time, right place, perfect storm, blah blah blah. It has nothing to do with who is more talented, trust me,” he said, shaking his head slightly. She often wondered if he ever regretted choosing this band. Or rather, if he had even chosen it. He had been so young when they started out, it was quite literally all he had ever known. 

“I’m really glad you’re home,” she blurted out awkwardly, “I know I’ve said it a million times but...I don’t know I love playing music with you guys and hanging out and everything. I wish you could stay for longer.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Zac replied, sighing deeply and moving himself from behind his drums to a stool right by the amp she occupied. “Our breaks are never long enough.”   
“Do you ever get sick of it? Touring?”

“Mmmm...yeah I guess? Not so much playing, I mean obviously we would be doing that anyway. You get kind of used to the whole thing. But then you have breaks like this and you don’t really want to get back on the road so fast.” 

Phoebe suddenly realized how close their faces were, and how comforting his brown eyes were. You never really think of brown eyes as beautiful until you love someone with them. After that it’s all over, it’s brown eyes or nothing. They look like home, in a way. They ground you to the moment, unlike the limitless sky of a blue eyed boy. She also became painfully aware that their knees were touching, and that although the guitar was in between their bodies, some sort of magnetic pull was inching them closer. Before she really understood what was happening, his hands were cradling her face, and he kissed her sweetly. 

As they pulled away, she looked at him quizzically. 

“Oh...God, I hope that was okay that I did that. If it wasn’t I’m sorry…” 

She interrupted him by mimicking his gesture, kissing him even though she had never actually kissed a boy before. Any boy, in fact. She pulled away again and smiled, chuckling softly to herself. 

“What’s so funny?” He asked. 

“Oh nothing I just...I guess I never realized you were a boy before.” 

“Wow.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah I know, I’ve been called a girl for years now, I mean not as much as Tay but still…”

“You know what I mean!!” 

“Yeah, I do.” He smiled “I don’t know why I did that but I’m glad I did.” 

As soon as the moment broke she wanted to jump up from her seat and go tell someone, anyone, what had happened. She didn’t really have friends who she was close enough with at school. She supposed she could tell her mom. She wondered what the protocol was on telling Tay or Ike. As soon as they came back to the garage she hurried away, breaking out into a run on the way back to her house, completely forgetting that she had promised to stay for dinner.


	3. The Music Is a Place to Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phoebe spends the summer at home while the boys are touring.

Before she knew it, school was over, and Phoebe was bidding goodbye to the boys who were on their way back to California. Ike had told her that for the next few months they would be doing promo performances all over the world to drum up interest for their next big tour, which would launch in July. It was only the middle of May, and they had so many places to go. Once again, Phoebe was flabbergasted at the life they led. Flabbergasted and, honestly, pretty jealous. She worked so hard every day, mostly because she wanted to be the best musician she possibly could be, but partly because she had a nice healthy competitive streak towards all boys everywhere. Not just the brothers; she loved beating out other boys in her grade for solos in orchestra. But it was mostly the brothers and their success that pushed her to work harder. She wanted nothing more than to go along with them, take the stage, feel the lights on her skin. She spent hours a day in the practice rooms at school, because the music was the only place she could really hide. The only place she could find the flutter in her heart that she so desperately missed when she wasn’t playing or singing. Sometimes her teachers called her aside, asking if she did anything else (the answer was no, but she would make up some lie to make herself appear more normal) because her practicing was bordering on obsessive. But it all paid off when she was featured at the end of school year orchestra concert, or when she won an award at the choir banquet. It was all worth it, as far as she was concerned, and now that school was over, she would have even more time to write her own material. Plus, the day they left, Taylor told her that they would be playing a show in Tulsa in July to kick off the tour. She already couldn’t wait. 

After those two magical weeks spent attached at the hip, saying goodbye to Zac was harder than ever for Phoebe. She knew he was busy in California, and she couldn’t shake the worry that the next time they saw each other, he wouldn’t remember the time they spent together. He wouldn’t remember that yes, they had kissed a couple more times but they had also spent most of their time laughing so hard they forgot how to breathe. She was adamant about the fact that he was her best friend first. Always had been, always would be. She told herself that every time she had a fleeting thought about his hair or his lips, and when she couldn’t shake the feeling or stifle the soft warmth in the pit of her stomach when she pictured his face, she would write a song about it. That usually cured her teenage longings for a while.

She didn’t have time to have a crush on a boy. She had too much music to practice. 

***

“Hello?” Phoebe answered the phone hopefully, after rushing down the stairs to get to it before it stopped ringing. They didn’t have an answering machine. Her mother was, for some reason, morally opposed to having one in the house. She didn’t like feeling obligated to return calls or something similarly irrational. 

“Hey Phoebs!” She could almost hear Tay’s grin. Not the brother she was expecting, but it made her heart flutter nonetheless. 

“Tay! Hey! I thought...I thought you’d be Zac,” she said, giggling. Get a hold of yourself, she thought inwardly, it’s only been a week since the last phone call don’t be such a weirdo

“I knew you’d say that, but I like talking to you too, you know.”

“Well I’m glad you called. How’s it going?!” She asked, excitedly.

“Great! We’ve been in Atlanta for a couple days but we just checked into the hotel in Tampa. It’s so hot here. I mean I know it’s summer but it’s ungodly.” 

“Ugh, I’m sure. How was Atlanta? How were the shows?” 

“Good!” Taylor replied. There was something about his voice she couldn’t quite place. Something bubbling just underneath the surface. “It might have been my favorite stop on this tour so far.” 

Phoebe narrowed her gaze, even though she knew he couldn’t see her incredulous look. Something was fishy. Something had happened to Taylor. Something good. She had definitely heard him sound like this before, and it usually had to do with some awesome success in their career. Breaking a record or landing an extra special gig. 

“Why are you so happy?” She asked plainly. She wanted to know. 

“I’m not allowed to be happy to talk to you?” 

“I mean...yes you are allowed to be happy about that but you sound like you can’t even catch your breath! Either you’ve been doing laps around the hotel or you’re so excited about something that you can’t sit down.” 

“Anyway, here’s Zac,” Taylor blurted out, surely shoving the phone into Zac’s expectant hands. 

“Don’t mind him, Phoebs, he’s just in love,” Zac said, chuckling into the receiver. 

“Dude, shut up!” She could hear Taylor plead. She could almost picture him slugging Zac playfully in the arm and then sulking away, secretly smiling to himself. 

“Umm you can’t just drop that on me with no context. Tell me everything! I’m dying for gossip, my world is very small,” Phoebe joked, hopping up on the kitchen counter. She opened a bag of chips and hunkered down for the conversation, knowing this would be the highlight of her week. 

It was now the end of August, the Tulsa kick-off concert having come and gone far too quickly. She hated to be so dramatic, and she hated that her happiness so often relied on other people, but in her journal that she kept tucked away underneath her pillow she had confessed that it had been the best night of her young life. She had never been to one of their big shows before (she never really felt the need, having played alongside them in their garage so many times. She figured she knew what they sounded like well enough) so the family hauled her along with them to the performing arts center that sticky July evening. Walker told her she could either watch the show from backstage with him, or squeeze into the front row along with the other rabid fans who had been waiting outside all day. She, for whatever reason, wanted the full experience. And maybe she wanted to be able to look them all in the eye while they were playing, but she would never admit it. She screamed and whooped alongside the swooning girls, the only time she would ever allow herself to do that, getting completely swept up in the music. It was easy to do. She forgot to breathe for about three minutes while Zac took the lead on “Wish That I Was There” and seemed to look her directly in the eye for the entire song. Later, she would learn that he had written it about her, and how he missed her when they were touring. She smiled so hard that night that she was sure her cheeks would be sore for the rest of her life. There was no doubt about it, their music had the distinct power to make one incredibly happy. 

She tended to daydream about that night a lot, and snapped quickly back to reality as Zac laughed loudly at her need for the current gossip. 

“I’m serious! I’m dying here. It’s summer and nothing is happening,” She pleaded. 

“Well the other night in Atlanta we met a couple of girls backstage. They were a part of this fashion show thing before the concert so they were allowed back. Taylor is completely smitten with one of them, it was hilarious to watch,” Zac explained. 

“What’s her name?!”

“Natalie.” 

“Is she from Atlanta?” 

“I’m not sure...I know she’s from Georgia. She was there with her friend from school. She’s not really a huge fan which is, I think, the exact reason that Taylor is so taken with her. She wasn’t throwing her panties at him or asking him to sign her boobs. The bar is pretty low.” 

Phoebe laughed at this, but felt a twinge of something much more negative deep in her chest. She wasn’t sure what it was. She was giggling and enjoying getting the full report, so she would have to come back to this feeling later...but she couldn’t quite place it. It wasn’t exactly jealousy. It wasn’t as though she was in love with Taylor like every other girl on the planet, and of course he should have a crush on a girl. He was 17 for god’s sake. Maybe it was the fact that to her, these boys were her childhood. She would learn, throughout the years to come, that many of their songs were inspired in some way by her because she was the only girl in their life who wasn’t their sister or a crazed fan. She was a girl that they all, in some way, loved. She was theirs, and they were hers. But they wouldn’t be forever. They couldn’t be forever.


	4. I'll be Thinking of You the Whole Time

#### Present Day 

The icy wind whipped Phoebe’s dark curls in front of her face as she raced back to her mother’s home on her bicycle. It was getting late, and she still had a lot of packing to do before the morning arrived. She hadn’t even started. She needed to be at the airport at 5 am for her flight back to New York, and yet she had a sneaking suspicion that she wasn’t going to get much sleep tonight. 

These past two months she had spent in Tulsa seemed to stretch on forever in her mind. Nothing was like it had been. Everything was so different, she felt as though every molecule in her body had been replaced. She had felt the most incredible waves of joy. Pure adrenaline and love and music mixing to form a happiness and hopefulness within her that she could barely tame. She had experienced pain though, too. Pain that felt like ribs cracking one by one. And now, here she was, riding quickly to the other side of town where she could pack up the remnants of a lifetime crammed into two months, and fly away. Fly away and try her very hardest to never look back. 

It had started with Thanksgiving. Phoebe came home for the holiday because she was sick of being in the city that still felt like it hadn’t slowed down enough to see her. The last time she had been there was over a decade ago, and back then she had been flanked by her security blanket (a trio of boys who definitely coddled her and idealized her) when they had all moved to NYC for a few months, Natalie and Ezra in tow. Now, she was alone. Everything she had ever known was back in Oklahoma, or on a tour bus, and as much as she had traveled the country she had never ever done it by herself. So life in the city was hard. She was the first to admit that.

She came home to open arms, her mother finally having downsized to a fairly small cottage in the same neighborhood, and the entire brood of Hansons welcoming her back to their town. It had only been six months since she had moved away, but it felt like a lifetime. Every Thanksgiving, she and her mother were invited over for dinner with the whole tribe, after watching the parade together that morning. They came bearing a couple pies and her mom’s famous cranberry sauce, and were greeted by smiles and big bear hugs. Ezra, who Phoebe had always been close with and who was now strangely taller than her, sprinted over with gleaming eyes. She had missed his birthday this year, but had sent him a video of her playing and singing a special song she had written just for him. He had turned 14, and it felt like an important age to her. She hated missing it. 

A couple days before the holiday, Zac had picked her up from the airport, all smiles while he stood outside his SUV waiting for her. He saw her as soon as she stepped outside and it was like no time had passed. 

“Six months is too long for you to be gone,” he said plainly when they finally loosened their hug. “Do I have to deliver you to your mom?” 

“I...might have told her I was on a later flight so that we could hang out for a bit,” Phoebe smiled slyly. It always felt this way when they saw each other after a long period of time. Like there were bits of light inside of her. 

“Nice,” Zac laughed and helped her put her bags in the trunk. 

They planned to get breakfast and coffee but ended up driving around town aimlessly talking about everything that had transpired in each other’s absences. She told him about New York and the gigs she was playing there. She had joined a church choir too, mainly to force her to make friends, a thing she had always had trouble doing. He told her about the Roots and Rock and Roll tour and how exhausting it had been but how proud he was that the idea they had all had together one late night in the studio had come to fruition, even if she hadn’t been there to play the shows with them. He told her that he missed her more than he had expected to the day she packed up her life in a u-haul. 

“I had to go, Zac. You know that better than anyone.” 

“I know, I know. We’ve been over it a thousand times but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

They had had this conversation too many times, and they were both growing tired of it. Yet here they were, having it again. Phoebe had decided to move away for a lot of reasons. One summer night she had realized with intense clarity that her entire life had centered around this band, and yet she wasn’t really a part of it. She toured with them, she played on their albums, she wrote songs with them, and she loved every second of it, but she knew in some deep part of herself that she was only relying on this musical crutch because she was terrified of what would happen if she branched out on her own. Yet that was what she had always wanted to do. She wanted to sing her own songs, and have others sing them back to her. In order to do that, she felt as though she needed to go to a new place. Or at least a place that didn’t have an entire weekend dedicated to the very band she was trying to escape. 

Then, of course, there was the fact that even though they had both made their peace with how the whole thing had played out, that he had chosen someone else and she had chosen the music, that they realized they wanted vastly different things...there was the fact that they kept a room in their hearts ready for each other. Always. It changed shape and structure as time passed, but it was still there. They would always have those years together in the tour bus, they would always have the hundreds of songs, they would always have the first time he held her in his arms while she cried, and the first time she did the same for him. They would always have the moments on stage when he would look up from his drums and she would look up from her bass and millions of words would pass between them in just one look. They could pretend all they wanted that there was nothing between them anymore. But there was. Of course there was.

She needed it to be done, so she left. 

She pounded the pavement in New York for six months, and every gig she played in coffee shops and smoky bars made her feel a little cleaner. A little lighter. Until in Mid-November when Ike called her on her way to choir practice, asking if she would come back to Tulsa for a couple months. She was already planning on going back for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but the guys desperately needed her for their yearly event in Jamaica, because their new bass player’s wife had just had a baby. 

“You guys have babies all the time, I don’t see why you need me.”

“You can’t expect every musician to be as crazy as we are. Not everyone jumps right back into touring after the birth of their child,” he explained. 

Phoebe reluctantly agreed. As much as she wanted to decline, she couldn’t resist being needed. So she decided to sublet her apartment and stay in Tulsa for December and January. And here she was again, in the passenger seat beside Zac, trying to explain to him for the thousandth time why she had to move away. The regretful mood didn’t last long though. Before she knew it, they were giggling like the teenagers they used to be. Just two kids with too much laughter in their lungs.


	5. Making It Up as We Go Along

#### Fifteen Years Earlier 

Phoebe snorted with laughter, louder than she had intended. She couldn’t help it though, she was buzzing on contraband wine and up way too late with her best friends on a sticky summer evening, their legs dangling down into the water from the dock. The rest of the family had retired a few hours ago, and the girls had gone to bed now too, leaving only the four of them. Ike, Tay, Zac, and Phoebe. “Dropping like flies,” Tay had muttered as Natalie and Kate took their leave, yawning openly while they walked down the dock back to the lake house. 

This summer the family had decided to take a vacation, all together, that didn’t include touring. Walker and Diana suggested the three oldest bring their girlfriends, making this the first time that Phoebe had spent any real time with the newest additions. The first time she had met Natalie was earlier that summer, when she came to Tulsa to visit Taylor. Phoebe had hugged her instinctively, as if to say “hey welcome to this weird club, I’m glad you’re here!” Natalie didn’t pull away from the hug, but instead leaned into it, making Phoebe like her immediately. She was smiley and warm and a charming extrovert. Phoebe was sure she had no problem making friends, and was most likely incredibly popular at school (later she would learn that her suspicions had been spot on, Natalie was well liked and, of course, a cheerleader). Phoebe decided that it was going to be nice having another girl around, and if anyone deserved Taylor, this bubbly girl with the loud and melodious laugh definitely did. 

Natalie’s best friend was Kate, who was the other girl the band had met that fateful day in Atlanta. She was a gorgeous girl with dark brown hair and a freckled nose, a girl that seemed grounded and intelligent and mature for her years. Phoebe remembered not even being surprised the day Zac called her and told her that not only was Taylor dating Natalie, but Isaac had started dating Kate. 

“He’s girl crazy, Phoebs, I’m tellin’ ya.”

“I thought you guys had that no-dating-fans rule,” she said plainly, curling the telephone cord between her fingers.

“Yeah, I did too,” Zac sighed. She couldn’t quite tell what is stance on the whole thing was. “Well I don’t think Natalie really cared about the band until she saw our show. So that explains her being a normal human being around Tay. I’m pretty sure Kate is a fan, though.” 

“But does that really surprise you? If Ike is girl crazy and Taylor’s new girlfriend has a best friend who loves the band….” 

“You’re right. It actually makes perfect sense.” 

She had high hopes meeting Kate, after instantly liking Natalie so much. She had fantasies of them both pulling her right into their circle and becoming fast friends, making up for the years Phoebe had gone with no close female friends to call her own. On meeting her, Phoebe realized that Kate was much shyer than she had anticipated, and while Natalie was an open, talkative book, Kate was more of a mystery. 

That summer was one she would keep in her back pocket forever. After the tour had ended, the guys were in between California and Tulsa, constantly writing music. They were already working on their next album, and had a slew of songs ready to get recorded and sent off to the record label. It was the summer before anyone realized what a nightmare was in store for them, the calm before the storm of record labels and representatives and then finally, mercifully, getting their new record out and starting their own recording label. 

It wasn’t that Zac and Phoebe had a moment where they decided “this is when we will start dating now.” It just kind of happened naturally. They knew each other better than anyone, and having been away so long on tour she supposed that it was nice for him to be around someone who reminded him of home. After playing their final show on the This Time Around tour, they flew home from Brazil, and before collapsing into his bed he stopped by Phoebe’s house to tell her how much he missed her. It was an awkward moment at first, him standing on her front porch in the cold November gloom, knocking on her door feverishly just so he could see her. Make sure she was still real. They hugged and giggled nervously, Zac eventually saying he needed to go home and crash. As he was walking away Phoebe called out to him. She ran straight up to him, reached up and grabbed his cold face, and kissed him. She had been waiting months to do that. She was sick of waiting. 

Not much changed after that, and neither of them really wanted it to. They were still best friends who happened to kiss sometimes and they could be spotted every so often holding hands while they walked down the street. They made each other smile and laugh and feel warm. It wasn’t until months later when Zac accidentally slipped the word “girlfriend” into conversation, that Phoebe looked up from her guitar with a quizzical look in her eye but a huge grin on her lips. 

“What?” Zac asked nervously, reading the look on her face. 

“You just said girlfriend. You just said your parents told you all you could bring your girlfriends so that’s why you were asking me to come with you on vacation.”

“Oh...um...is that okay?”

“Of course it is, but that’s why I looked at you like that. You’ve never said that before.” 

“When would I have?” 

“I don’t know, Zac, I’m just just making an observation. You’ve never introduced me as your girlfriend or anything and I was just...surprised, that’s all,” Phoebe explained. 

“Well you’ve never introduced me as your boyfriend,” Zac retorted. 

Phoebe let out a long sigh, more for the dramatic effect than anything. They were a match, that much was obvious. They were so much alike that sometimes Phoebe wondered if it was sustainable. They both always had to have the last word. Always had to win. 

After a few moments of silence, Zac asked earnestly, “So...do you want to come?” 

“Oh yeah, of course!” The tension broke and they both laughed loudly, Zac throwing his arm around Phoebe’s shoulders and pulling her close. 

***

“Easy there,” Isaac said, pulling the bottle of wine away from Phoebe’s lips. She had just taken a long swig and giggled at his scolding. She was only 15, but the wine pilfered from the lake house’s refrigerator went down easily. “Leave some for the rest of us, Phoebs.” 

“Sssshhhh, the babies are sleeping,” she hushed them, pointing to the house. “Guess they couldn’t handle those rockstar hours.”

“Yep, only you can keep up with us,” Taylor responded, looking at her and smiling, relishing in the fact that they were very close to getting her drunk. “Hey Phoebs?”

“Yeah?” 

“You should come on tour with us next time we go.” 

“What do you mean?” She asked, immediately sobering up at the thought of hitting the road with they boys. 

“I mean you should play in our live band. You know all of our music, and you know us better than any other musician we would ever find. Also you’re like...a fucking prodigy.” 

“I’m not that. I’m okay.” 

“Let him compliment you, Phoebs, come on,” Zac added. She stuck her tongue out at him defensively. 

“Be our bass player. We’ve never had one we liked, really.” 

"Aren't I too young?" She asked

"Do you not remember how old we were when we first went on tour?" Taylor shot back. 

She looked from Taylor to Isaac, who seemed to be just as excited about the idea as she was. She grinned quietly, trying not to get too excited. Drunk ideas on summer nights did not mean that she was going to get out of Tulsa and tour the world with a band. She couldn’t rely on Taylor, the dreamer, who was also half a bottle of wine in and would probably promise her the world if given the chance. But she nodded, nonetheless.

Zac intertwined his fingers in hers. She could have stayed in this moment forever. 

About an hour later, Isaac took his leave, and shortly after Taylor went to bed too, leaving only Phoebe and Zac laying on the dock together looking at the stars. She wasn’t totally sure if they were drunk, but everything felt fuzzy and warm. She wanted to lay there for hours or get up and dance or run away into the moonlight. 

“What are you thinking about?” Zac asked her. 

“How much I want to go on tour with you all,” Phoebe responded with a laugh. She hadn’t known that was what she wanted to do until Taylor had suggested it, but now it was all she could think about. 

“We really want you to. We’ve talked about it before.” 

“Really?” She asked incredulously. 

“Of course. We love playing with you more than any other musician, why wouldn’t we want you to be with us on tour?” 

Phoebe smiled openly at this, wishing she had her guitar with her right now. She felt like she could sing a million songs about this night. Instead, she snuggled into Zac’s side, content with just being near him. 

“I love you, Phoebe,” he muttered. She wondered if she was even supposed to hear it. But of course he loved her, and of course she loved him too. This wasn’t the first time they had said it to each other, but it was the first time it had been offered since Zac had used the word "girlfriend." Phoebe threw the word “love” around pretty loosely, especially when it came to her small battalion of friends. 

“You know I do too.” 

“Yeah...I do,” Zac smiled and kissed her on her forehead. She knew they would need to go back inside to sleep eventually, but for now they were there together. Just them and their tipsy teenage version of love spiraling around them endlessly. She didn’t know if any better feeling existed in this world.


	6. Wish I Could Frame You and This Feeling on the Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zac and Phoebe weather their long distance relationship while other love stories come to end around them.

#### Present Day 

By the time Phoebe got back to her mother’s house, it had started snowing again. She looked up at the inky sky before quietly unlocking the front door and silently hoped it would only be a light dusting. Her flight left at five the next morning, and she didn’t want there to be any delays due to the weather. She quickly slipped inside after locking up her bike in the garage, taking her phone out of her back pocket as she walked through the darkened hallway to the guest room. Six missed calls from Zac. She sighed heavily, wondering how to proceed. 

One half of her entire being saw his name and buzzed inside her skin. This was the same half that unlocked her phone and brought up his contact (complete with a silly picture of the two of them from the Anthem tour) and nearly pressed “call.” But the other half of her caught her finger in the act, making it hover precariously above the screen. “Don’t,” that half said, “What good will that do?” Before she decided what to do, her phone vibrated again, this time with a text. 

“R U leaving in the AM?” 

She rolled her eyes at his text speak. He still used every abbreviation in the book, as though they were still 16 and he was instant messaging her from a rare hotel computer. 

Another vibration. 

“Please call me, Phoebe.”

And another.

“Please.” 

She didn’t know why, but the begging nature of the text messages made her feel like the ground was slipping out from under her feet. She didn’t even make it to the bed before her knees gave out. Before she knew it, she was on the floor, tears welling in her eyes. She closed out of her messages and dialed a number. She could have gone into her contacts but she had this one memorized. 

“Phoebs?” A gruff voice answered after a few rings. 

“Hey, Tay!” She exclaimed, with a forceful cheeriness shining through her imminent tears. 

“Are you okay?” He had clearly been asleep. 

“Yeah, um…I don’t...I don’t know what to do, Taylor.” 

A few short seconds of rustling told her he was getting out of bed, as to not wake Natalie. 

“Give me a few minutes, I’ll be right there.”

#### 15 Years Earlier 

The lake had been perfect. The idealistic memory of summer to keep for whenever anything started coming a little unglued, which happens all too often in life. Summer ends, and things always change. 

That following fall, Phoebe went back to school with a new sort of fire burning inside of her. She knew in the back of her mind that it was only a matter of time before the band’s next tour started up and she could leave this town for a little while...hit the road and finally be a part of the adventure. They were already hard at work for the next album, spending most of their time in California recording demos and meeting with different producers. They weren’t playing any shows, though, which made it easy to talk to Zac on the phone every night. 

“We’re butting heads a little with our record company,” Zac mentioned one night during a phone call. Phoebe could tell his voice was tired. He had either been singing or arguing all day. Or both. 

“You sound annoyed. And tired.” 

“I am annoyed. And I am very tired. I feel like Tay’s solution for everything is to just work harder. Butt heads with the label? Work harder. Butt heads with Natalie? Work harder. Butt heads with us? Work harder.” 

“Yeah, sounds about right. What’s up with Natalie?” Phoebe asked carefully. During the two weeks at the lake, she had gotten close with Taylor’s girlfriend. After she went back to Georgia, Phoebe instant messaged her whenever they were both online. It was nice to have a friend, even if she was on the other side of the country. She didn’t want to lose her already. 

“Oh just the distance, I think. Also it’s Taylor.” 

“What do you mean, ‘It’s Taylor’?” 

“You know what I mean, Phoebs.”

“I...don’t, that’s why I asked you.” 

“I mean that he has a lot of friends out here. Way more than Ike and definitely way WAY more than me. I barely ever go out, and technically I can’t anyway because I’m underage but I probably could if I wanted to. Tay goes out all the time and he has loads of people he parties with.” 

“Oh so...by loads of people you mean girls?” 

“I mean...yes girls are there, which is probably uncomfortable for Nat. And why shouldn’t it be? I would be crazed if I were her. Way more jealous than she ever seems to be.” 

Phoebe supposed he was right. She didn’t really think of Zac as a rockstar, even though she knew in the back of her mind that thousands of girls claimed to be “Zac Girls” and probably fantasized about some day marrying him and having his babies. She chuckled at the thought. To her, he was just the goofy blonde kid from down the street who made her laugh harder than anyone and also listened when no one else seemed to. She smiled to herself, overwhelmed by how much she loved him, even now. 

“So did they break up?” Phoebe asked. She wanted Taylor to be happy, but selfishly she hoped the answer was no. 

“They agreed to see other people. And by that I think they agreed that Taylor will be seeing other people.”

“Do you think she’s in love with him?” 

“Yeah, I do.” 

Phoebe sighed. She wasn’t quite as head over heels as Natalie probably was. Zac was more comfortable, more home, than what Taylor was to Natalie. 

“Distance is tough,” she stated, as though she had any experience outside of the boy she was actively talking to at that very moment. 

“We seem to be doing okay with it. My brothers, on the other hand....” 

“Wait, both of them?” 

“Oh, yeah Ike and Kate broke up like a week ago.” 

Phoebe couldn’t say she was necessarily surprised. She had observed the two of them together at the lake house and while they seemed to get along really well, she wasn’t sure there was any real chemistry between them. It seemed a bit forced. She was surprised to find out that Kate had broken up with Isaac, though, and not the other way around. 

“Was he upset?” Phoebe asked. 

Zac let out a burst of laughter, “No, absolutely not. As I’ve said countless times, he’s girl crazy. This just opened up the field. I mean, she’s in Georgia and clearly not feeling it.” 

When she was older, Phoebe would look back at this conversations, and others like it, and be astounded by how sure of themselves they were. How they subtly looked down on Taylor and Isaac simply for doing what they should have been doing as young guys in the business. Yet here they were, the youngest of their secret club, talking as though they were already committed to each other in a way they never actually would be. 

Later that night, she instant messaged Natalie, who was online. 

CelloThere85: Hey!  
Natgirlxo: Hey Phoebs! What’s up?  
CelloThere85: Nothing. Just finishing up some homework. You?  
NatGirlxo: Same. We had a game tonight so I’m kind of behind.  
CelloThere85: Haha  
NatGirlxo: Have you talked to the guys?  
CelloThere85: Yeah I talked to Zac earlier. Tay and Ike weren’t there when he called though.  
NatGirlxo: So I’m guessing you heard. 

Phoebe wondered what the protocol here was. Taylor was one of her best friends in the entire world, yet she felt a fierce loyalty to Natalie simply because she was a fellow girl. It was strange, and honestly not something she had ever experienced, due to her utter lack of female friends. 

NatGirlxo: I know you’re close with them so I won’t try to make you take sides or anything. We don’t even have to talk about it.  
CelloThere85: OK. Yeah I mean we don’t have to talk about it. But also...we can if you need to. I mean. If you want. No pressure. 

There was a lull in responses, making Phoebe wonder if she had said something wrong. She was pretty new to the consoling game. She was usually the one being comforted. 

NatGirlxo: I miss him, that’s all.  
CelloThere85: Well that I understand.  
NatGirlxo: I thought you might. :)  
CelloThere85: Don’t worry about Taylor. His head is either in the clouds or in his music. He likes you a lot, I know that for a fact. Did I ever tell you about the time he called me right after meeting you?  
NatGirlxo: What? NO!!!  
CelloThere85: Yeah it was right after the Atlanta show you and Kate went to….

***

When Phoebe wasn’t doing school work, or practicing her cello, or learning bass lines to every song on the radio for fun, or talking to Zac on the phone...she was writing. She wrote everything down. She filled journals with lyrics, little snippets of words that sounded good together, turns of phrase that she couldn’t get out of her head. She untangled every thought in her brain strand by strand until it made sense as words on a page. She sang melodies into her casette tape player, whose speaker turned into a microphone when you pushed the red record button. She had boxes of blank cassettes under her bed, which she had bought the day after she got home from the lake. She had decided that she would go on tour with the guys and be their bass player, and eventually become their opening act, and then eventually have her own tour where she would play her own songs off of her own album. She hadn’t realized how deeply this dream had carved itself into her psyche until she pulled out her guitar and started playing a song she was convinced had been written in her brain for years.  
_This journey’s uncharted  
But I’ve already started..._


	7. As Your Teardrops Hit the Floor

#### Present Day 

Phoebe waited impatiently on her mother’s guest bed, wringing her hands and bouncing her knee incessantly. If it hadn’t been late at night, she would have strummed her guitar to calm down, but she knew her Mom was already asleep. She heard Taylor pull up and rushed to the front door, peeking out into the cold night to see the same boy, who was now very much a man, who always seemed to come to her rescue when she needed him.

Her memory bank was full of instances like this one. When she was ten years old, the day her father and brother were killed, she ran out of her house. Ran past the police officers who had just told her the horrific news, ran out the door half of her family had left through that morning, ran across the yard they used to spend hours in playing catch. She ran down the street and then stopped, out of breath, and collapsed to the ground crying. She was only ten. She wasn’t supposed to be feeling grief like this yet. She sat on the stoop, her body shaking with sobs, until a blonde boy in a plaid flannel and jeans came out of his house and saw her there. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, earnestly.

She turned around, snot smeared down her chin and tears still streaming. It was the boy who took piano after her. She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. Not yet.

He sat down beside her and put his hand on her back. “I’m here now. Don’t worry.”

His comfort brought on a whole new wave of sobs, but eventually they subsided. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, wanting to wake up from this awful dream. They sat there for a while. They didn’t talk. He walked her back to her house. It had felt like hours, but surely they weren’t sitting on that stoop for too long. Phoebe’s mom looked surprised when he brought her inside, as though she hadn’t even noticed she had been gone. 

To an adult, and even maybe a teenager, Taylor’s entrance into her life could have been explained away - as a coincidence, as luck, as a polite twelve year old boy showing basic human decency. But to Phoebe, who’s heart was cracking open on that sidewalk pavement, Taylor’s consolation solidified him as her angel. From then on out, he was the one she always ran to. She idealized him in a way that therapists would have cautioned against, but in her eyes, he could do no wrong. Which is why, years later, when he made a very human mistake at nineteen, she was the one that felt deeply wronged. 

Granted, he didn’t always give the correct advice. When Zac and Phoebe broke up for what would be the final time, one unseasonably warm December day, he cradled her in his arms, like he always did, and said plainly “He loves you. Give it time.” 

A little over a year later, Zac was married to another woman. The day of his wedding, which she did not attend, she wished Taylor had just told her it was time to move on.  
She didn’t blame him for his optimistic advice, though. Just like she didn’t blame him when he took her aside, not even two weeks ago, right in the middle of Zac’s solo show in Jamaica. He yanked her away just as the opening chords of “Juliet” started to float through the audience and said “Don’t think you guys are fooling anyone.”

She had feigned ignorance for as long as she ever could with Taylor’s blue eyes boring into her (which was approximately 2.4 seconds). Her resolve quickly vanished, because she knew that he already had figured everything out. “Just don’t be stupid, Phoebs. The fans are incredibly perceptive. They already know what’s going on. Shut it down.”

She knew he was right. Everyone in that audience had seen the secret glances they were giving each other on the opening night concert. Everyone had seen how Zac was looking at her as she played her solo show earlier that day. They weren’t stupid, and she knew that Taylor was right.  
But right now, all she wanted was for her angel brother to cradle her while she cried.

#### Fourteen Years Earlier

The boys were back in Tulsa for a week before heading back to California. It was February, and the days were still grey and icy, the air still longed for spring. Phoebe and Zac had spent the day together at her house. She could tell he needed a break from his brothers. 

“I just don’t understand Taylor. You would think I would, seeing as I spend every waking moment with him, but sometimes I just don’t.” 

They were sitting on her bed, enjoying the short time they had together. Soaking up each other’s body warmth for as long as they could before they had to leave the room. 

“What do you mean?” 

“He’s dating Michelle, and he is...Phoebe I’m talking like true infatuation from both parties. It’s the music, it has to be. She’s super talented and I think that just really revs him up more than anything.” 

Michelle was a musician who had opened for the boys a couple times on their last tour. Phoebe remembered Taylor mentioning her a few times. She could imagine that their musical connection, as well as their shared experience of touring, sparked something special between them. 

“Sounds about right. So what’s weird?” 

“He goes and visits Natalie a few weeks ago.” 

“Oh.” 

Phoebe hadn’t heard about that at all. She was shocked that Natalie hadn’t told her about it on instant messenger. Had it been a surprise? 

“Yeah, so there’s that. Meanwhile, Michelle doesn’t know a thing and would follow Taylor through the gates of hell if he asked. I swear, it’s like watching two puppies who are obsessed with each other.” 

Phoebe chuckled at how worked up Zac was getting over this. It wasn’t even his problem, but then again, they were always in such close quarters. If a brother had a problem, it was a problem for all three of them. 

“Are you...okay?” She asked after a few minutes of silence. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well...I don’t know. We always talk about Tay and Ike but... we never really talk about you, you know? I just want to make sure you’re doing okay,” she explained.  
Zac sighed deeply, a trait that either she had picked up from him or the other way around. They couldn’t be sure anymore. She looked up at him and put her hands on his brow, trying to actually smooth out his furrowed forehead. He closed his eyes, clearly enjoying her soothing touch. This stressed out sixteen year old in front of her bore very little resemblance to the goofy blonde boy down the street that challenged her to bike races on summer nights. 

“I’m fine. I love playing music. I love touring, and I love being in the studio recording. But this? The stuff we are going through right now? It’s the shit that I absolutely hate. We’re just spinning our wheels and forcing songs out and it’s just...it’s not what I signed up for,” he explained. She could tell he had been holding all of this in for quite some time. His frustration had been bubbling below the surface, and the only hints of his annoyance were projected onto his brothers. She kept stroking his forehead until it smoothed. He sighed again, but this time it had an air of relief. He took her hand from his face and kissed it sweetly. “I also miss you a lot. I wish you were there with us.” 

She looked into his brown eyes and took his face in her hands, kissing him deeply. Sure, they were sixteen, but she felt so utterly positive that this was what love was. The big kind. The lifetime spanning love that is only talked about in epic tales. Maybe it was naive of her, but she didn't care. His hands were in her dark curls, on her neck, cradling her back. She wanted them everywhere. If she could, she would kiss away every feeling of frustration and hopelessness he was feeling. She never wanted him to feel like this. Ever. 

***

“Um so...I guess tonight is as good a night as any,” Taylor said, standing up from the dinner table. All eyes shot over to him, all side conversations stopped. Phoebe looked up from her plate, glancing over and meeting Zac’s gaze. She had come over for dinner, as she usually did, but this sudden announcement made her feel awkward and unnecessary. There were many moments in her life in which she wished she were invisible. This night would always be at the top of that list. 

Taylor had that rare front man talent of commanding a room, and a room containing his family was no different. Everyone hung on his words, or in this case, his silence. After gaining everyone’s attention, he was struck speechless.

“What is it, Tay?” Walker asked impatiently. 

“Um…” he looked down and fiddled with his shirt, not knowing where to begin. “Natalie is pregnant.” 

Phoebe’s first reaction, as usual, was to check in with Zac. He threw his silverware down on the table and crossed his arms, confused and agitated. She put her hand on his back instinctively, if only to calm him down a little. Ike stoically set down his utensils and ushered Taylor back down to his seat, while the younger siblings burst out in a chorus of questions. 

“Really, Taylor?” Walker’s voice cut through the commotion. “At the dinner table?” 

Diana took her head out of her hands and immediately started clearing plates. 

“I just thought….” 

“Well what you thought was wrong, in a lot of ways.”

Zac got up quickly and bounded up the stairs to his room. Phoebe looked around bewildered, and caught Ike’s eye. His look spelled out an apology: “sorry you had to be here for this”, or “sorry you have to go deal with Zac”, or maybe even “sorry we have to grow up.” 

“I hope you’re prepared to marry her,” Walker said, matter-of-factly. 

“What?” 

“You’re marrying her, Taylor. That’s final.” 

“Dad --” 

“That’s final, Taylor.” With that, he left the table, going into his study and closing the door behind him. 

Ike stood up and nudged Taylor, while once again catching Phoebe’s eye and motioning for her to go upstairs to get Zac. They headed out to the garage. They needed to talk. Just the three of them. 

Phoebe tiptoed upstairs and poked her head into Zac’s room. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, head bent down, breathing deeply. 

“Hey,” she said quietly. 

He looked up, completely relieved that it was her and not one of his family members. 

“I think there’s a band meeting happening in the garage. And seeing as though you’re a whole third of that band, you should probably be there for it.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. After all…” he put on a sarcastic smile as he got up from the bed, “we have a wedding to plan.”


	8. Unexpected Beautiful

The next few months flew by. Taylor had flown straight to Georgia to propose to Natalie, and after that, life became a whirlwind of wedding preparations. There was a deadline, after all. 

They decided to have their wedding in June, in Natalie’s home town. It was going to be a small, intimate ceremony, with just family and close friends. Phoebe was expecting to hear about it second hand, but Zac (and Taylor) insisted that she would be in attendance. “I am not sitting through that without you,” Zac insisted, although Phoebe reminded him that he would be standing beside Taylor for most of it. Zac’s very apparent annoyance with the whole situation led to Taylor asking Isaac to be his best man, although everyone seemed to have been expecting him to ask his younger brother instead. They had always been closer, and it had seemed like the natural choice. 

“Why are you so upset about this?” Phoebe asked for what seemed like the millionth time, after traversing wedding headquarters in the living room of the Hanson’s house and making her way up to Zac’s room. 

“I just think this is the wrong way to start a life with someone. I would never do it this way.” 

Clearly it wasn’t ideal, but Phoebe admired Taylor’s ability to take the cards he had been dealt and make the most out of it. She could see in his eyes that he loved Natalie. And sure, they were way too young, but this was what was happening and there really was no changing it at this point. But, she also knew that Zac had the bad habit of being inherently judgmental. He was extremely stubborn, and when he knew he was right there was no use trying to argue with him. That didn’t mean she never tried. 

“So what would you do if I was pregnant?” 

She could hear a little voice in her head screaming that this was a bad idea, but she loved to push him. Because, when it came right down to it, she was pretty stubborn herself. 

“That’s not even an argument, because you’re not pregnant,” he replied.

“But what if I was?” 

“But you aren’t.” 

They could have gone on for hours like this, so she decided to switch tactics. 

“Okay so what if in two years, when we’re Taylor’s age, you get me pregnant. You wouldn’t marry me?”

“I wouldn’t get you pregnant until after we were married. Easy.” 

“But accidents happen all the time. Obviously.”

“We would be careful.” 

“But what if we weren’t.”

“Why are you doing this?” 

“I’m just trying to help you see the whole thing from Tay’s perspective! Yeah, he made a mistake, but we all make mistakes, Zac. He’s dealing with it the best way he knows how.” She stopped for a moment to gauge his mood before continuing, “Also...I think this has more to do with the band than with how you think Taylor is handling his new life with Natalie.” 

He couldn’t argue with that. Of course it had everything to do with the band. Of course it did. 

“Everything is going to change now,” he said quietly, unable to look her in the eye. “It used to be the three of us against the world, and now...now we have to grow up even earlier than we ever thought. He’s only nineteen.” 

“I know,” she said, scooting nearer to him so she could lay her head on his shoulder. She knew they challenged each other too much, she knew they were too similar and too quick for their own good, but sometimes just having someone say that they knew and understood made all of that seem completely irrelevant. She always seemed to know, and he always did too. Even when no words had been spoken. 

***

The day Taylor got married Phoebe saw a window into her future and it made her heart race. Not with excitement of what was ahead, but with fear, plain and simple. Taylor was only nineteen, his bride a year younger and already four months pregnant. Her face had filled out, but you couldn’t see a bump through her extravagant dress. Phoebe’s palms were sweaty all through the ceremony. She wasn’t really all that sure why she was the one who was nervous, but here she was, inexplicably feeling like she was going to be sick.

Zac caught her gaze in the middle of the vows and smirked, saying with his eyes “I hope this is over soon so we can go find some contraband champagne and fill our bellies with bubbles until we feel like we’ll float away.” She smiled back, but wondered if he saw the fear in her eyes. She felt like an animal caught in a hunter’s hands. NO, no, no, I don’t want to be a teenage bride like this girl in front of me, looking up at her new husband with the adoration of a girl looking at her favorite rockstar, she thought. They barely even knew each other. Phoebe, on the other hand, knew these brothers better than anyone. They were her co-stars in every childhood and adolescent adventure. A band of thieves in baseball caps and frayed jeans traipsing all over their home town. These were the boys she climbed trees with and yelled across the river to jump in. The boys she played her guitar with around a forbidden bonfire. She knew that after today, everyone would be looking to her to be the next addition to the family. It only made sense. 

Phoebe looked up at these three boys she had claimed as her older brothers and wondered what it would be like to lose any of them. She had only been ten the day her actual brother died. She had no idea what grief was, yet there she was feeling it. She supposed she was losing one of them today, to that innocent girl in the white dress who, with one silly drunken night, was swept up into his life forever. 

Maybe it was this urgency, this complete and utter fear of loss, or maybe it was the copious amounts of champagne which sixteen year olds are allowed to drink at family wedding receptions, or maybe it was the finality with which the bride and groom said their vows. Maybe it was the summer air dancing on their skin, or maybe it was the way they knew that this was the end of their childhood chronicle, or maybe it was simply because they felt like time was marching on whether they liked it or not but they found themselves in the same bed that night, limbs intertwined and hands clutching skin. The June heat of Georgia pressed down on their backs as they made love for the first time and it was clumsy and both of them uttered “sorry” a few times, and they both stared up at the ceiling once they were done, wondering what could possibly happen next. Years later, they would find themselves in a hotel room not unlike that one, with the same sense of necessity and pressure and that time is slipping away all too quickly. They would be quite a bit older, and more experienced, but the feelings would be the same. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of understanding, although no words had been spoken.


	9. The Hits and the Misses

#### Present Day 

Phoebe and Taylor sat in silence for what could have been hours. She needed to pack, but she didn’t feel like she could move, even though her flight was approaching. She felt like she had been hit by the truck of change and she couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes, let alone look at the clock. Nothing would ever be the same, and she knew that had been true before, but now it felt heavier. More real. More final. She hoped that if she kept her eyes closed for long enough, this whole thing would disappear. That the calendar would turn back and these last two months would have been nothing but a dream. 

“Make it go away,” she whispered into Taylor’s shoulder. 

“I wish that I could, Phoebs. I really do.” 

“It just all got so messy. I didn’t...I didn’t mean for this to happen, Tay, it just did. Things just kept happening and once it all started it just couldn’t stop. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” It was all she could bring herself to say, over and over again. Nothing had gone according to plan. It had all spiraled so quickly. 

Zac had picked her up from the airport the November morning she arrived back in Tulsa, and they had driven around town, wasting the morning hours until Phoebe realized that her mother would probably be wondering if she had landed safely. They talked about everything under the sun, as they had a habit of doing when they were alone together (“the most long winded couple in history,” Ike used to joke about them when they would get going). They got coffee, and laughed about the few months they had spent, all together, living in a New York City apartment the winter after the Underneath acoustic tour. Isaac, Taylor, Natalie, Zac, Phoebe, and baby Ezra - like some strange sitcom, all living under one roof. 

“It’s definitely a different experience this time,” Phoebe said, catching her breath after laughing wildly over a memory of Taylor finding a rat in the bathroom and screaming so loud that it woke Ezra, sending the entire apartment into chaos. 

“Well you’re not a kid, for one thing.” 

“I wasn’t a kid then!” 

“We were all kids. All six of us. I don’t even know what we were thinking.” 

“It was fun though. Stupid. But fun.” 

“Yeah, it was,” Zac said with a wistful smile. 

It was only a handful of weeks before they realized how unsustainable the whole situation had been. Five small town kids living in the big, scary city (with a baby, no less). But it was a time they would always look back on with a chuckle and a shake of the head. The lovely in-between time, before Taylor and Natalie became A Family; a unit apart from the rest of them.

Phoebe could tell, through the entire conversation, that there was something else there. Zac needed to say something, to get something off of his chest, but he just didn’t know how to go about it. She internally debated whether or not to just ask him. When he pulled up outside her mom’s house, he put the car in park and adjusted himself in the seat so he could look her in the eyes, the stance that often made her feel trapped, but in a way she didn’t particularly mind. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsal,” she said quickly, wanting to get out of the car so that she could go see her mom and possibly escape the big, sweeping statements that Zac made all too often. 

“Want to get coffee beforehand?” he asked hopefully, and of course, she would never dream of declining. His brown puppy dog eyes were a force to be reckoned with, at least to her.

As she was huddled into Taylor’s side, avoiding the inevitability of morning, she wondered whether or not any of this could have been avoided. The fact of the matter was, Phoebe and Zac both always got what they wanted. They set their mind to something, and then it happened. Zac wanted a confidante, and he was going to find it in Phoebe. Phoebe wanted an escape back to familiarity, and she was going to find it in Zac. 

They both had wanted something, and they always got what they wanted.

#### Fourteen Years Earlier 

The day Natalie came home from the hospital, Ezra carefully in tow, Phoebe literally watched Zac’s frustration and annoyance and judgement completely melt away. He took his new nephew carefully in his arms, holding his breath, his eyes locked on this tiny life now in front of him. You couldn’t be upset when you were holding Ezra. This new human was something so unexpected, and yet the most beautiful thing anyone in the room had ever seen. 

Taylor was instantly a great dad, albeit a nervous one. And while it forced him to grow up quickly, it humbled him in a way that Phoebe hadn’t known was possible. 

Phoebe herself was enraptured with this tiny human, and took every excuse to hold him. “You look exhausted, here take a break,” she would implore Natalie, scooping Ezra up before receiving an answer. “You can even take a nap if you want, I’ve got him.” Every time Zac caught her in the act, he would smile unabashedly, exchanging a look that said, “soon.” She would feel the familiar flutter in her stomach, the fear of the future, similar to the nervousness she felt during Taylor’s wedding. But this time, she let it happen, simply because the look also said “I love you so much it’s astounding,” and neither of them could resist that. They would spend their evenings laying next to each other, scheming the coming years. The tours they would go on, the apartment they would inevitably get, the marriage that everyone had already foreseen. They were only sixteen, and sixteen year olds dream bigger than anyone. They had seen enough of the world to know they wanted to conquer it together. They hadn’t seen enough to know that plans have the habit of changing.

####  Present Day 

“When does your flight leave?” 

“Five o’clock.” 

“I’ll help you pack. Come on,” Taylor nudged her off of the bed. “You’re not this kind of girl, Phoebe. You’re not the girl that cries over boys. Where’s your suitcase?”

She hated him for saying that. She hated that he knew exactly what to say to make her get up and attempt to prove to him that he was right, she wasn’t that kind of girl. She never had been. She hated that it worked so well. But at least now she was up and packing and on her way out of town.

“I can take you to the airport,” he suggested, and she nodded. They would leave early and she’d leave a note on the bathroom mirror for her mom, telling her to go back to sleep, and that she loved her. 

She threw her clothes in her huge suitcase, zipped it, and lifted it upright. The weight of it strained her injured wrist, and she winced noticeably.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, my wrist is just still bothering me a little. It’s fine. Could have been worse. Thank God it was my left hand, I can’t imagine strumming with it right now.” 

“You’re lucky it was just your wrist,” Taylor added. _Obviously_ , she thought. _I’m not an idiot. Obviously I was lucky that I didn’t die._ She didn’t validate his statement with a response. 

With Taylor’s help, they finished up the packing and lugged her suitcase and her guitar down the dark stairs. She scribbled a note and taped it to the mirror, and headed back out into the cold, sure that she had forgotten a thing or six. She checked her phone. No new texts.


	10. And We Laugh a Little

#### Thirteen Years Earlier 

“It’s not that we don’t want you to come with us, it’s just...this is how we think the music should be presented to the world,” Ike explained, diplomatically. “We feel really strongly about it. We think it should just be the three of us, and our instruments, and the songs we have worked so hard to get out to the public.” 

Phoebe couldn’t be mad about their decision to go on a completely acoustic tour, circumventing the need for any additional musicians. After all, she wasn’t actually a part of this band. She had lent her musical talents to the newest album, adding a haunting cello line to the song “Underneath”, as well as causing the boys to lose their minds over the bass lines she created for “Strong Enough to Break” and “Get Up and Go”, but at the end of the day she wasn’t a Hanson brother. So she had no right to a bunk on the tour bus. 

“Oh,” was all she could muster. 

“Are you mad? You’re mad, aren’t you?” 

“No, Ike, of course I’m not mad. I was excited. But I understand that you have to do what is best for the band and what’s best for the music. An acoustic tour sounds amazing,” she said, trying to stay positive. She really didn’t want to make this about her, and Ike could tell that was exactly what she was doing. 

“It’s okay if you’re disappointed. I am too. We all wanted you to come with us.” 

She sighed heavily and put her guitar down on the garage floor. She and Isaac had been working on some of her new music together when the subject had come up. She wondered if his brothers had asked him to be the bearer of bad news. “I promise it’s okay,” she insisted. “I’m a big girl. I’ll live.” 

“Do you have an opener?” She asked, even though she knew it was a shot in the dark. 

“Teitur is gonna open for a few of the shows. But other than that no. I’m sorry Phoebe, I just don’t think the guys would go for it.” 

She nodded her head, knowing he was right. It was a boy’s club, and as hard as she tried, as long as she practiced, and as much as she added to the music, she had yet to break into it. 

***

They headed out in August, starting the tour knowing that fans across the country were starving for their new music. It had been almost four years since their last album, and their listeners were chomping at the bit to hear the new material, almost as much as they were dying to start performing. 

Phoebe and Zac had long distance down to an exact science at this point. She was used to him being in California recording, and was fine with their nightly phone calls and emails. Natalie, on the other hand, had gotten used to Taylor being around since the birth of their baby. The day the guys flew to Maryland to kick off the tour, Natalie cleaved to Phoebe. At first, it was a shock to Phoebe’s system, as she was used to spending time alone with her instruments. She was now a senior in high school, and still didn’t have many friends. She was whispered about often (“she’s Zac Hanson’s girlfriend, isn’t that random?”) in the hallways, and didn’t really make much of an effort to bond with her classmates. She was usually too preoccupied with practicing. Natalie, a nineteen year old brand new mother who had been uprooted from her childhood home, was in desperate need of a friend her age now that her husband was on the road. Before she knew it, Phoebe had a new companion. Or two, if you counted Ezra, which she always did. 

Phoebe and Natalie took turns picking Ezra up when he cried, took him for walks around the neighborhood while the leaves changed colors, and laughed together as he discovered new things about the world every day. Phoebe was floored by how having a baby had transformed Natalie from the cheerful, excitable teenager she had gotten to know at the lake house to a much more grounded version of that quirky and charismatic cheerleader. And yet, there were moments where she was still struck by how young Natalie still was. They would watch stupid TV shows and howl with laughter on nights that Phoebe invited Nat over for dinner. Those evenings would often turn into sleepovers, which Phoebe’s mother never minded. It was nice to have laughter fill the house again. 

“Want to make popcorn?” Natalie asked on one such night.

“Of course!” Phoebe replied, looking up from the pile of DVD’s she was rifling through. “What do you want to watch next?” 

Natalie scurried to the kitchen, now comfortable enough to know where the microwave popcorn was stored and that Phoebe loved to add M&M’s to hers. “Ummm...Did you say you have ‘Catch me if You Can’?” she asked, peeking her head around the door frame, popping M&M’s into her mouth while the popcorn popped. “I love Leo.” 

Phoebe chuckled (mostly because she couldn’t help but think about how the girl confessing her love for nineties heartthrobs was not only married to one, but literally had his baby), and nodded her head. “Perfect choice.” It was moment like this, when Ezra was miraculous asleep upstairs while they stayed up way too late watching movies, Phoebe realized how no matter what, they were just two teenage girls having a slumber party. 

“Do you miss them?” Natalie asked while she sat down and put the huge bowl of popcorn between them. 

“Geez Nat, how much did you make? And yeah, of course I do. I’m kind of used to it though.” Phoebe wondered if she should start the movie. She decided against it for now. There was definitely something on Natalie’s mind. 

“Yeah I guess.” 

“Do you miss home?” Phoebe inquired. She was sure she knew the answer. 

“So much. It’s insane. I miss my family and I miss Kate. I miss school and the cheerleading squad and just...everything. Sometimes….” she trailed off, fiddling with the buttons of her pajama shirt. 

“Sometimes what?” Phoebe prompted. 

Natalie sighed before continuing, “Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing.” 

Phoebe took her hand and squeezed it. “I think...I think that you did. But I also think that it’s okay to question it. You’re homesick, and rightly so.” 

Natalie smiled weakly, trying to steel herself against the wave of emotions that was bubbling beneath the surface. “Thanks for...thanks for being my friend here, Phoebe. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.” 

“I should be thanking you!” Phoebe said, laughing at their unexpected sentimentality. “And I promise...this gets easier. Them being gone, I mean.” 

“Yeah, I know. I knew what I was getting into.”

Phoebe pressed play and the movie began. 

Natalie snorted with laugther, making Phoebe snicker before she even knew what was so funny. “The fans really, really hate me, don’t they?” Natalie asked, stifling laughter. The two of them erupted into giggles. 

“Oh yeah. Yeah they do,” Phoebe tried to catch her breath through the laughter. The whole thing was just so absurdly hilarious. “Don’t worry though, I’m sure they hate me too.” 

The two girls laughed well into the night, barely watching the movie, and gossiping about varying levels of celebrities. They fell asleep on the couch, only to be awakened by Ezra’s cries early the next morning.


	11. My One and Only Lover

“When do you want to come out and see us?” Zac asked casually one night during their regular phone call. It was a school night, and Phoebe knew she was going to regret talking so late into the night during her 8:30 am Chemistry class the next morning, but she rarely missed their debriefing of the day. Every so often, after a long day of school and orchestra rehearsal, she would fall asleep before Zac called. On those nights, she would wake up to a few texts from him, mostly that the show had gone well and that he loved her. She would text him back, promising to stay awake this time, and that she loved him too. 

“Wait...what?” For whatever reason, it hadn’t crossed her mind that she would be able to go see them play during this tour. She knew that Natalie would be flying out to join them in Atlanta, so that Taylor could spend time with his new family, and so she could visit the home that she so desperately missed. “When can I?” 

“Whenever you want! You have the schedule, right?” 

“Yeah! Yeah I do, hold on.” She rifled through the papers strewn across her desk, throwing aside sheet music and her Chemistry notebook, remembering suddenly that she had homework due in the morning. She scanned the schedule and her eyes immediately fell on their stop in New York City, where they would be playing Carnegie hall. She had always dreamed of seeing the city. She had never been.

#### Present Day 

Phoebe boarded her flight, wondering how many times in her life she had to chuckle half heartedly at TSA workers and flight attendants making comments about her guitar (or bass, or cello, or whatever instrument she was travelling with that day). She had said a tearful goodbye to Taylor, embarrassed that she was crying openly at the airport at four in the morning. They stood there, embracing for a few minutes, their breathing matching and their arms holding each other firmly. _This was it_ , she thought. _This was the real goodbye._ She couldn’t go back to Tulsa and play with the boys. Not now.

He had slipped something into her bag - a large, yellow envelope. When she reached for it he grabbed her hand and told her to wait until she was back in New York. She told him to give Nat her love, and he nodded regretfully. Phoebe felt so horrible for the positions she and Zac had put Taylor and Natalie in. Smack dab in the middle of this complicated mess. 

“Oh, and Ezra. Give him a kiss for me, okay?”

“Of course...of course Phoebs. I will.” 

She turned quickly and crammed earbuds into her ears, needing to drown out the dull hum of the airport with music, any music. She walked quickly towards security, when words came bubbling up, causing her to turn around quickly. 

“Hey...Tay?” 

“Yeah?” He hadn’t moved. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

Of course that was his response. He was the only force in her life that ever made her truly feel her worth, the only person who called her out on her incessant apologies. What are you sorry for? Why are you apologizing for existing? He was the only one who could look her in the eye and say “you have nothing to be sorry for,” and make her believe it. 

“Love you, Phoebs.” 

As Phoebe got on the plane headed towards the huge city she now called home, she couldn’t help but think about the first time she had landed in New York City. As promised, they guys had gotten her a ticket to come see them play Carnegie Hall and experience the city for the first time. The air felt different when she got off the plane. There was a buzz pulsing on her skin that she had never felt in Tulsa. 

Their NYC tour stop followed directly after they week they had spent in Georgia. She remembered how excited Zac was to see her, how he kissed her as though he had been starving for her lips, desperate to feel her skin next to his. The first night in the city was not spent sightseeing, but instead in Zac’s hotel room, limbs intertwined. He was quick to unbutton her jeans and even quicker to come, and it was the first time they had sex without giggling. She wondered what was different. What had happened. A few years later, she would learn that Zac had spent a lot of time in Georgia with Kate, hitting it off in a way that she and Isaac never had. They didn’t do anything, they hadn’t even kissed, but there was a fun flirtation that everyone around picked up on. It was light and airy and new and she made him laugh with her quiet humor. There were no complex feelings that needed to be scrawled out into lyrics, no deep grief that could only be sung. There was just her and her sweet smile. 

Phoebe would deduce, years later over coffee with Natalie, that Zac’s desperation in New York was caused by his attraction to Kate and his inability to do anything about it. It probably didn’t help that he felt guilty, as well, and needed to overcompensate for that. That trip had always puzzled her. But then again, it was Zac and Phoebe, the couple that had written the book on complicated. 

She thought about that trip, and countless others she had made over the years while touring, as she saw the skyline from the air. She thought about those months they all lived in the apartment together, about going to the carousel in central park in the dead of winter, about going to coffee shops to write together and getting distracted by the hum of the city. She had so many memories with them. It was hard to start over.

#### Twelve Years Earlier 

“You ready?” Ike leaned over and whispered in her ear while she peeked out from behind the curtains. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” A month after graduating from high school, and there she was, kicking off their next tour. Her brand new bass (which had been a graduation gift from all three guys) was meticulously tuned, but she checked it again just in case. Her heart was racing. 

Each boy walked past her before convening in their traditional pre-show triangle. Ike squeezed her shoulders, Tay grabbed her hand and whispered “You’re gonna be great,” and Zac kissed her cheek. Before she knew it, they were walking on stage, and she took her place to the left of Zac’s drums.

The night flew by in a whirlwind of music and adrenaline. She was sure she looked ridiculous, beaming through the entire show, but she couldn’t help herself. The melodies were coursing through her body, replacing every molecule inside of her with something a little more divine. Tay checked in with her every few songs, raising his eyebrows and smiling. She almost buzzed out of her skin during “Wish That I Was There”, and during “Lost Without Each Other”, Zac turned to his left and sang the chorus straight to her. Without words or agreement of any kind, that suddenly became their secret song. The one they would always privately sing to each other on stage while the whole world watched.


	12. Every Time It's the Same Old Phrase

In a span of only a few shows, Phoebe quickly realized that this was the life that she was always meant to lead. She fell deeply in love with travelling - falling asleep in one city and waking up in the next, groggy from the light sleep of a bus bunk, but excited to step out onto the pavement belonging to a brand new town. She lived for the warm glow of the stage lights on her face, and the adrenaline that pumped through her limbs every night. She knew that she was becoming addicted, but she didn’t care. She would subsist on the music alone. 

There was something magical that happened on tour, every single time. A family was created. Something deeper than the bond that Phoebe had previously shared with Isaac, Taylor, and Zac. It was the kind of friendship that can only be forged at three in the morning, high on lack of sleep and buzzed off of a few beers. The kind of friendship that sparked late night writing sessions, lyrics tumbling out of their mouths, too fast to be written down. The kind of friendship that was proven on stage, when mistakes were inexplicably anticipated, a true connection between musicians that allowed you to feel totally and completely supported. Phoebe was certain there was no bond more intimate than that of musicians collaborating. It was a language unto itself, and one that she was grateful that she spoke fluently. 

Everything was so balanced when they were on the road, as though real life was put on hold so that they could play the best shows possible. The little cracks were overlooked, the annoyances and bad habits skimmed over because there were more important things to do. Fights were delayed, arguments forgotten about. Phoebe couldn’t even count the times where she and Zac would have come to blows if they hadn’t needed to do a soundcheck, and then by the end of the show that night it was like nothing bad had ever happened in their whole history of knowing each other. The confined spaces of the bus and hotel rooms could easily create conflict, but they required resolution. There was no other choice but to make it right. 

Touring deepened Phoebe and Zac’s relationship, but undoubtedly changed it forever. They spent more time together than they ever had, finding new ways in which they were too similar, new ways in which they were highly competitive and challenged each other. Almost to a fault. There would be long stretches of highs, everyone seamlessly getting along, parties and laughter and the thrill of the road which they were travelling together. The band, but also the two of them. Then there would be days, or sometimes weeks, in which they would break up (as broken up as you can be when you’re travelling together and playing music every night), and yet they would inevitably wind up kissing outside of the stage door, holding hands under the table at a late post-show dinner, or finding their way to each other’s hotel rooms. Fans at every stop speculated, since no one could deny the palpable chemistry that flew between them on stage. And yet, Zac would tell reporters he was single, and Phoebe wouldn’t mind. Phoebe would refer to him as her boyfriend, and Zac wouldn’t mind. No one ever really knew the status of their relationship, including them.

#### Present Day 

Phoebe stepped off the plane, juggling her guitar case and backpack while trying to turn her phone back on. The backed up messages from when she was in the air started flooding her inbox and making an embarrassing amount of noise. “Sorry,” she muttered, to no one in particular. 

Mom: Let me know when you land so that I know that you’re safe! Thanks for the extra sleep but I miss you already! I got used to you being at home. Love you. 

Nat: I already miss you. Don’t think you can never come back to Tulsa because this is your home and we love you. Text me when you land! 

Tay: Hey little one, text me when you land. 

Ezra (who Phoebe still couldn’t believe was old enough to have a cellphone and text her):Can we facetime when you get home? We didn’t get to say bye :( 

Zac: Hey call me when you’re home. 

She was all at once overwhelmed by the people in her life that truly cared for her and already missed her, as well as by the dread she felt over calling Zac. He was the person she had probably exchanged the most words with in her entire life, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him. Not yet. 

Once she found her suitcase and hauled it off of the conveyer belt (forgetting again that about her tender wrist, and wincing with the pain), she crammed herself and her stuff into a cab. She saw the skyline and smiled, unable to hide the thrill that came with seeing the city in the distance. She thought about the long periods of true happiness she had always found on the road, having the absolute time of her life taking on the world with her band of brothers. They had such remarkable times. It was a high unlike any other. She had spent her life chasing that high. 

It almost seemed like she had found it, in some way, two months earlier when she arrived in Tulsa and got back into the groove of rehearsing with the band, the energy flying around the studio, the deep connection of music making digging it’s claws into all of them. They worked on new music and rehearsed the old stand-bys, her heart doing flips when the opening chords of “Lost Without Each Other” sounded. She glanced over at Zac, who was already looking at her, and they both looked down. It had been too long since they had played this together. But old habits die hard. 

That night they took a drive and ended up kissing for the first time in years. She would never know if he had intended to, but she knew it was not pre-meditated on her end. 

“What...what’s happening?” Phoebe asked as they came up for air. 

“I don’t know...I don’t...I don’t know what to do anymore, Phoebs.”

There was a sadness to his voice, and to the statement he had made. There was deep regret in his eyes, although she could barely see him in the dark car, parked out in the middle of nowhere, the two of them hiding from real life like a couple of sixteen year olds on a school night. 

“When we were playing today...I don’t know it was just like...everything. Everything from the past came welling up in me. I know that sounds weird and…”

“Like a song,” Phoebe finished for him. 

He exhaled a laugh, a short burst of air, which said: of course you still finish my sentences. Of course you do.

She smiled despite herself, her heart still racing, her thoughts still tangled. There had been moments similar to this before. Moments of pure excitement after a particularly incredible show where their first instincts had been to reach for each other. To continue the connection that was always so tangible on stage. But they never followed through with it. They found ways around that - they put it all in the songs that they wrote. 

What followed was a couple months of the thrill of secrecy. Moments in dark corners, smiles exchanged across rooms, each of them searching for a time that they so desperately yearned for, trying to recreate the magic of that first tour.


	13. I Didn't Take a Stand

####  Eleven Years Earlier 

“What are we doing after the show?” Ike asked after a particularly trying first set. Phoebe was exhausted, and honestly just wanted to go to bed. They were in their first stop in Europe, after playing four shows in Brazil and one in Argentina, and Phoebe’s body and brain hadn’t adjusted to the completely different time zone yet. She never slept well on international flights, and getting through the first set had been tough. Her senses were fuzzy. 

“Probably nothing, Ike,” Zac replied, also obviously tired. 

“But we’re in Ireland for like one night.” 

“I’m just going to go to the hotel, talk to Kate, and go to bed,” Zac shut down the conversation, walking out of the green room. Phoebe let her head fall onto Tay’s shoulder for the few minutes of quiet before the second set. 

“I’ll rally,” she looked over at Ike and smiled as she assured them that she would go out with them after the show. She had become closer with Ike and Tay since she and Zac had broken up for what would be the final time, and she knew they would both take advantage of the bars in Dublin. 

The break up started before they knew it was happening. Fights became bigger, digs became deeper, make up sex became rougher. One night, in a deep discussion, Zac mentioned that once they got married, Phoebe couldn’t go on tour with them anymore. 

“WHAT?” Phoebe screeched in response. 

“Well, yeah of course…” Zac continued, not registering how appalled Phoebe had become. “You’d have to stay back in Tulsa. With the kids.” 

“With the WHAT?” 

“The kids. Our kids.” 

“I have to play music, Zac.” 

“You can still play music but you can’t be touring. That’s ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous is you expecting me to give up everything to be your wife and the mother of your children.”

“You can’t…”

“Don’t you...EVER...tell me what I can’t do, Zachary.” 

There was a moment of thick silence before she continued, wanting to drive her message home before storming out. 

“I don’t want to get married right now, Zac. Maybe ever.”

“I didn’t mean right now…”

“Maybe. Ever. I just want to...I just want to do this,” she gestured around to the bus they made their home, the crazy existence that they led, “and I can do that with or without you.” 

There was hurt in his eyes, but she couldn’t deny that there was relief in saying these things. 

“If you can make it on your own then go,” he spat out, the bus having just pulled into the hotel parking lot. She crumpled back down onto the seat, feeling agitated by his choice of words. Make it? In what way? As a musician? As a songwriter? As a person? Could she bear to make it through this life without him? Well, of course she could. She was sure of that. 

Their situation remained muddled. Taylor and Ike noticed that things were different. Peals of laughter were replaced by silence and quiet, passive aggressive remarks. Phoebe attached herself to Ike, who was always ready to talk or go out after a show. Zac sulked in his bunk or in his hotel room, texting a number that Phoebe would eventually figure out belonged to Kate. Then one afternoon, while they were driving towards that evening’s venue, Phoebe and Zac sat in the back of the bus in a tense silence. They both knew it was coming. 

“Hey Zac?” Phoebe said, breaking the thick quiet that hung between them. He looked over at him, a sadness in his eyes that didn’t match the energetic show they had just finished. “You can do it. I’m okay. It’ll suck but like...I’ll get up and keep living and keep making music. I know it’s probably time.” 

He sighed deeply and hung his head, staring at his hands. He started picking at the callouses on his palms. 

“I know,” he said without looking at her. 

“Just do it, Zac.” 

After a long pause, their nervous heartbeats echoing through the bus, Zac sighed again and looked back up at her, “I’m so sorry Phoebe.” 

“But?” 

“But it’s over.” 

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes even though she had known it was coming. 

“I love you, Phoebe. And I always will. But…”

“I know.” 

“...I just don’t think…”

“I know.” 

“Okay. So…” 

“So.”

“What do we do now?” 

Phoebe felt the bus shudder to a stop, and saw out the window that they had arrived at the theatre. 

“We go do a sound check.” 

***

Slowly but surely, things began to normalize. In a lot of ways, there was a sense of release. After the initial backlash of the break up, everything was a bit less tense. Slowly smiles returned between them, jokes were exchanged, and a lightness returned. There were moments of almost - almost kissing without thinking, almost crawling into each other’s bunks, almost accidentally sharing a particularly prolific lyric they jotted down before realizing that they couldn’t do that because the words were about them and their relationship and how it ended. But for the most part, things evened out. Slowly. But they did. 

A few weeks later, she saw Zac’s phone vibrating in the green room while he was in the bathroom. She saw that it was Kate, texting him. Her face contorted in confusion, and she looked up at Tay and Ike, who were deep in conversation on the other side of the room. She decided to let it go. It was probably just something random, and for all intents and purposes, she shouldn’t care. 

That winter, Natalie planned a visit to meet up with the tour. She brought her best friend with her, and then it all became clear. Zac and Kate went on their first official date while they were visiting, while Phoebe spent the evening in her hotel room, ferociously writing and trying not to care. She shouldn’t care. This is what happens. You break up, and you move on. She fell asleep before Zac got back to the hotel, and the next day it was like he swallowed sunshine, or way too much sugar. She hadn’t seen him that happy in months. She couldn’t help but smile. 

That night they played the show like they always did, Nat and Kate were in the audience, and Zac was on fire. Phoebe saw him watch her, and saw her watch him. It was the beginning of a love story...it just wasn’t hers.


	14. One Stops Trying and One Stops Loving

#### Present Day 

Phoebe arrived home (or at least her new version of home), and immediately collapsed onto her bed. She closed her eyes momentarily, trying to see if her brain would shut down enough to let her take a nap. Probably not. “Oh shit,” she said out loud to the empty room, realizing she needed to let her family and friends know she had made it safely back to New York. She got her phone out of her bag and dialed Taylor’s number. 

“Hey are you back?” He answered after only one ring. 

“Yep. Home sweet home.” 

“Hey now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This is your home,” he said lightheartedly, even though she knew he was, in some ways, extremely serious.

“Zac wants me to call him.” 

“Do you want to call him?”

“Not...really? I don’t know. It’s weird. I’ve never had trouble talking to Zac. Even when we had broken up and he was first dating Kate. We were always so transparent with each other. I would tell him when it hurt to be around him, and he would give me space. He would tell me that he missed being with me and I would remind him that what he had with Kate was great, and he shouldn’t sabotage that just because I was on the same bus as him.” 

“Yeah, your friendship is really something special. It always has been. I’ve never seen two people be that honest with each other all the time.” 

“It’s because we can see right through any story or lie we even attempt to tell. We know each other too well, that’s all there is to it,” Phoebe explained. 

“Well then maybe...maybe he’ll know why you aren’t calling him back?” Taylor offered.

“Yeah. Although...I’m sure he just wants to have the last word.” 

“As usual,” they said in perfect unison, making them both smile despite themselves. 

“I’m sorry, Tay. I don’t mean to still be talking about this.” 

“Phoebe.” 

“Sorry...ugh, SORRY, I’m sorry for saying sorry.”

This time Taylor laughed openly. 

“Here’s the thing. This affected you. It affected Zac. I know the two of you better than most people, not to mention I’ve been watching this story unfold since you were both 15 years old. So I understand,” he paused, waiting for a response. “This is me saying that you can talk about it until you don’t need to anymore. It’ll take time but...what are big brother’s for?” 

“Thanks, Tay. Hey, will you tell Nat that I made it home safe?” 

Taylor cleared his throat. 

“Sorry, that I made it to New York safe? And Ezra?” 

“Of course.” 

Phoebe took a few breaths. “Should I call Zac?” 

“I think you should eventually. But if you can’t do it today, that’s okay too. Love you, Phoebs. Call whenever.” 

“Bye. Love you.” 

She texted her Mom that she was back in her apartment, texted Ezra that maybe they could face time tomorrow, and opened the text from Zac yet again. There were so many possibilities of how this impending conversation could go. Her stomach growled and she realized that she hadn’t eaten a thing since early the day before. She looked down at her suitcase, too exhausted and hungry to do any unpacking. She grabbed her wallet and went down to the bagel shop on her block. She needed coffee and carbs.

#### Ten Years Earlier 

The night of Zac’s wedding, Phoebe sat in her childhood bedroom in Tulsa, while her second family celebrated the marriage of their third son in Atlanta, Georgia. She practiced her cello for four hours straight. There was something about drilling classical music measure by measure until it was absolutely perfect, as opposed to writing songs on her guitar, that cleared her head in a way that nothing else could. She had to have a laser like focus, especially since she hadn’t been practicing as much as she used to in high school. She didn’t leave her room that entire evening, until every bit of music was perfect. She fell asleep that night with red, calloused fingers, a bruise on each of her inner thighs from clutching her instrument between them (a bad habit she had when playing intensely and for long periods of time). 

She wasn’t allowing herself to be heart broken. To be upset. She had chosen this. So instead, she hid in the music. 

Zac and Kate had only been dating for about a year when he proposed. They had just finished up their Live and Electric tour, and Zac went to Georgia to visit her. The night before he left, she heard the doorbell of her Mother’s house ring. When she answered the door, it was Zac, standing in the freshly fallen snow. 

“What’s up?” Phoebe asked, thinking she had probably just left some of her gear at their house after unloading the bus a few days before. 

“I’m going to Georgia tomorrow,” he said plainly, as if she didn’t know. 

“And?” 

“I’m gonna propose to Kate.” 

She blinked a few times, no certain emotion showing on her face. 

“Oh.” 

She looked down at her feet, which were bare. Her toes were cold. She should really put on some socks. 

“Say something, Phoebe.” 

“That was fast.” 

“I just...I know that it’s right. You know?” 

“I don’t.” 

“What?”

“I don’t know what that feels like so no...I don’t know.” 

“Oh. Um...well I just...I wanted to let you know. So that you didn’t have to hear from my brothers or my parents or like...someone around town.” 

“Thanks, Zac,” Phoebe said, not meaning to sound quite as sarcastic as she did. 

“You’re….welcome.” He turned around and started down the walkway. 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me,” she called out after him.

“What?” 

“You don’t…” she started out the door but once again realized she didn’t have anything on her feet, and that the cold brick felt like knives in her toes, “will you come here I don’t have socks on.” He rolled his eyes and walked back up to the stoop. “You don’t have to prove to me that you can get married and have a wife who wants to be your wife and have your kids. You don’t have to do this so young. You’re twenty.” 

“She’s a little older…”

“So?” 

“She’s ready.” 

“Are you ready?” 

“Yeah.” 

More silence. 

“Is she pregnant?”

“Jesus Christ, Phoebe, I’m not Taylor.” 

“Sorry...sorry. Just...I just really want you to realize that you’re twenty. You can't even drink legally.” 

“I’m very aware that I am twenty. I’m sorry that I came over, I was just trying to be a decent person and let you know what was happening. It’ll never happen again,” he turned around with a huff. 

Kate said yes and they immediately started planning the wedding, which was to happen the following June. Phoebe couldn’t understand why everything had to be so fast. A year of dating, six months of engagement, to usher in a forever together. It would always seem fishy to her, and she still had the feeling that he was trying to prove something. Maybe not specifically to her. Maybe to himself. 

There was no tour the next year to force them to smoothe out the rough patches, and all of Zac’s attention was turned towards Kate and the impending nuptials. Yet another day came where Zac rang the doorbell, this time to tell her that she couldn’t come to the wedding. She blurted out “but I’m your best friend,” before she could stop herself, and immediately regretted it. 

And so, the night of the wedding, while a couple of kids tied the knot surrounded by family and friends, Phoebe sat in her room playing her cello. She didn’t cry until the next morning, when she looked at her phone to check the time. She had one single text, from Zac. 

“Wish u were here.”


	15. Love Me Hate Me All the Same

Zac and Kate got married, and life continued to march on, as it has a habit of doing. Natalie and Taylor had their third child, River. Isaac got married to Nikki. Phoebe moved back into her childhood home with her mother, since due to all the major life events, there were no plans to tour that year. 

There was plenty for her to work on, though. She had a whole catalog of original songs that she, having keys to the studio, was able to record demos of. She booked gigs around town which kept her busy (and paid) on nights and weekends. She made flyers and took out ads in the paper, realizing one day that she was definitely qualified to teach cello, guitar, and bass. Within a month she had a slew of students of all ages, and what started as a way to make money on the side, often turned into the highlight of her week. Her bar and coffee shop gigs around town kept her sane, and while they weren’t nearly as exciting as the previous tours, she preferred to play her own music. About once a week, Taylor would drop into wherever she was playing. He would clap the loudest and scurry around taking pictures, which always made her have to stifle a laugh during songs. 

One such night, she finished her first set and came bounding over to him while he nursed a beer at the bar. 

“Hey stranger!” she exclaimed, as she gave him a hug from behind. 

“Hey! You sound great!”

“Thanks! I love playing here. They finally said I could have a regular weekly spot.”

“That’s awesome, Phoebs! Just don’t get too excited...you’ll have to find subs while you’re on tour,” Taylor said casually. 

“What do you mean?” 

“We’re planning a tour for next year, weirdo. For the new album.” She knew they had been writing a lot recently. 

“But…”

“But what? You’re our bass player.” 

“I just assumed…” 

“Nope. He was overruled.” 

She narrowed her eyes at him as he placed a beer in her hands. She had just turned twenty one a month ago, but Taylor never needed a reason to share a beer with a friend. On the night of her birthday, he had taken her out and whispered “we’ll just have to pretend this is the first beer we’ve had together,” as though they hadn’t always stashed a six pack in the tour bus fridge. 

She took a few swigs and walked back up to her tiny stage, a few minutes left in her break to re-tune her instruments. Her mind was spinning. She was excited at the prospect of another tour, but mostly she was confused because she knew that Taylor was lying to her. The other day, without checking in with any of them, she rode her bike to the studio to work on some demos. She walked confidently through the doors and stopped in her tracks when she heard all three of them in a heated discussion in the office. She decided that she would just grab her guitar and go home, when something Taylor said made her ears perk up. 

“I just really don’t think she should come with us. I think it’s a bad idea, and I think you know it too.” 

“Taylor, I swear to God…” 

“Zac come on,” Ike tried to be the mediator, but was failing miserable. 

“Zac shut up for one second and listen to me,” Taylor continued.

“No. She’s coming with us. She’s the best bass player we know, and I don’t feel like dealing with a new person. She’s also my best friend, that hasn’t changed just because I got married.” 

“Zac she’s your ex-girlfriend.”

“Stop saying my name before everything you say! I’m not a little kid, that tactic doesn’t work on me.” 

“You don’t think Kate will mind? Come on, don’t be an idiot.” 

“Why should I care if she minds?”

“Because she is YOUR WIFE,” Taylor yelled. Phoebe held her breath while she waited for the next brother to speak. 

“If Phoebe doesn’t go, I don’t go. Good luck having a Hanson tour without me.” She heard him coming and dove into the bathroom, praying that wasn’t where he was headed. She heard him leave out the door, certain that he wasn’t planning on coming back that day. She waited until Taylor and Isaac reluctantly left and locked up.

Now here she was, sitting on a stool in front of a meager crowd, wondering if she would ever tell any of them about the conversation she had overheard. She had spent that day obsessing over what it had all meant, feeling lighter than she had since the day of the wedding. In some ways, she knew that Taylor had a point. But that didn’t overshadow her excitement -- she couldn’t wait to get back in the studio and play with the band. 

***

“Go, if you want to go  
But stay if you want to know  
The way through the mess we've made  
Or lie in a bed you know  
Then go…”

 

The final chord hung in the air, as Zac removed his fingers from the keys and looked at Phoebe with expectant eyes. 

“That’s really beautiful,” was all she could say. It was. It caused an ache in the pit of her stomach, but she couldn’t deny it was a gorgeous song. 

“I wanted you to hear it first, before I brought it to the guys.” 

“It’s lovely,” she said, and meant it. 

“So it’s okay?” 

“What...the song? I just told you it was beautiful!”

“No I mean that...that we record it and put it on the album?”

“We write about each other all the time. That’s kind of...our thing.” She was right. Even though their relationship had technically ended a couple years ago, the songs that bled out of their fingers and onto the page seemed to always, in some way, be about the other. 

“Yeah I know but this one just seemed more...more vulnerable, I guess.” 

“It’s fine, I promise,” she insisted, looking him in the eye. “If it was a problem, you would know.” 

“Good,” he smiled. “Because I really like how that song turned out. Thanks for being my muse.” 

“Honestly, what else are you supposed to write about?” She teased. 

As usual, it was the music that had healed them. That winter, the band had facilitated a gathering of songwriters called the Fool’s Banquet, at which the tension that had hung in the air since Zac returned from the wedding finally cracked and evaporated during late nights of writing and wine. One evening, Zac and Phoebe ended up being the last ones up, and something about the whole situation reminded them of nights at the lake house. 

“Hey, I miss you,” Zac had said, plainly, opting to speak first, but voicing the opinion of both of them. 

“Oh my God, me too,” Phoebe replied, making them both burst out in laughter. 

“Can we,” Zac attempted to catch his breath, “ Can we be best friends again? Please? This is so stupid.” 

“So stupid! Yes, yes please…” She managed, as she wiped a tear from her eye. She couldn’t remember the last time she giggled so hard it made her cry. The next morning it was like the clouds had lifted, and everything just felt...better. They finished off the banquet by agreeing that any past pain or heartache would be put into songs, instead of directed at each other. They agreed that that was a fair deal, and a promise they could both keep.

#### Present Day 

Phoebe wasn’t sure if or when Zac would give up trying to reach her. She couldn’t imagine what it was that was so urgent. There was nothing more to say to each other, at least not anything she could think of. It was done. It had happened and now it was over. Surely he only wanted the last word. 

As she walked down the block in a lack-of-sleep daze, she couldn’t help but think back over her time spent in Tulsa. She knew the next few days would have to be dedicated to untangling all of her thoughts and emotions so that she could see and think straight. So she could get on with her life. She sat down at the bagel shop and took a few sips of scalding hot coffee before she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket again. She expected to see Zac’s number and photo on the screen, but instead it was a Tulsa number that she didn’t recognize. She looked at it, confused, but decided to answer anyway. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Phoebe?” 

“Yep. Um, Yes...this is she.” 

“Hey...It’s Kate.” 

Phoebe felt her stomach turn and the blood drain out of her face. She began to breathe heavily, her eyes darting around for something, but she was unsure as to what. An escape? A place to throw her phone and smash it into a million pieces? Taylor? She wished she was still in her apartment, instead of this very public place. 

“You don’t have to talk, I just um...I just wanted to call you and tell you that Zac told me everything. I mean. I figured most of it out at the hospital. I’m not an idiot. But he told me everything that happened and I just thought I should let you know that...I know.” 

Phoebe remained silent. What was she supposed to say to that? Thanks for letting me know? She realized that she had been holding her breath since Kate had said her name. 

“Again, you don’t have to respond to me right now. I know calling you was probably inappropriate, and Zac would be livid if he knew. But I had to do it. I just...um...I’m not a writer like you guys so I can’t write you a song to tell you these things so I just have to say them out loud, okay?” She waited for an affirmation from Phoebe, who was nodding her head, too scared to realize that Kate couldn’t possibly know she was doing so. “I have literally always been jealous of you. Since day one. I met you on that vacation and you were so comfortable in your skin. You were laughing and talking loudly, something I’ve never been able to do. You spoke with such conviction and you sang with even more. You were always so talented, and all three of those brothers just adored you. I mean, they still do. But...I don’t think you realize to what degree. Seriously, have you ever seen them when you play? I don’t know how the other wives never cared, but I did.”

Phoebe stayed silent, but her whole head felt like it was spinning. 

“You went on tour with them when we were back at home with the kids. You experienced all of those moments that we would never ever get to share with them, no matter how much they told us about it. You were there, on the stage, you could feel the crowd’s energy and the vibrations of their jumps. You and Zac have been connected since you were ten years old, in a way I could only ever dream of. You speak his musical language, and I just...don’t. And it’s not that I haven’t tried, I even took piano lessons while Shepherd was little thinking maybe I could but...it’s another level with you guys. So honestly...I guess what I’m trying to say is when I got the call from the ER I wasn’t surprised to learn it was Zac driving the car and you in the passenger seat. I wasn’t shocked.” 

A few tears rolled down Phoebe’s cheek. She didn’t want to think about that night. Not yet. 

“And I’m calling you to tell you all of this so that I can maybe, somehow, find peace in all of this. We’re going to work through it and stay together because we love each other and we love our children. It’s the only way. I’m not going to say that I forgive you or Zac because that would be a lie. But...I just...I needed to get all of that out before I exploded. That’s all...I guess.” 

She waited a moment, maybe hoping that Phoebe would say something, before hanging up.


	16. I'll Never Walk Away From This

#### Eight Years Earlier

 

The Walk Tour was coming to a close, and Phoebe knew she was going to miss this one more than any others. They had toured the whole past year, taking a few months off before going back at it just as hard in April. When she hit the road again that spring, it was with a whole new brand of excitement. She would be opening for the band every night. 

She had started as a last minute fill-in that first night in La Crosse. Their original opening band had dropped out only a day before, and technically they could have gone on without any opener, but before Phoebe had any time to register the situation at hand, Zac had suggested that she go on and play an acoustic set to warm the room up. 

“The fans know her, and like her,” Zac stated. He was right. The female fans that dominated the Hanson fan base did have a sort of affinity towards Phoebe. For one thing, she was a girl, and one who didn’t hide her love for the brothers in an effort to look cool. Everyone knew she was their biggest fan, at the end of the day. They identified with her, especially after Zac ended up marrying a different woman (“she’s one of us!” she once saw someone post online, accompanying a picture of Zac and Kate with Phoebe awkwardly in the background, and it made her chuckle. She would take it). She spent time talking to fans after concerts, and sometimes even took pictures with them (or for them, if the guys were around). She had a small online following for her music, mostly made up of Hanson fans, but she didn’t mind. As long as people were listening. 

“It’s really not a big deal if you just want to go on without an opener, guys. I don’t need to do this now,” she explained. And yet a small part of her was hoping they would all agree. 

“Yeah, I say we do it,” Ike chimed in. “What do you say, Phoebs?” 

“You’ll have to pull double duty. Is that okay?” Taylor asked. 

“Can you be ready by tomorrow night?” Zac added. 

She looked around at three sets of expectant eyes. They were counting on her. 

“I could be ready by tonight, if we had a show.” 

“That’s my girl,” Zac said, smiling broadly. 

The first night had gone so well, that they collectively decided to let her open for the remainder of the tour. The response was unprecedented, and they didn’t even have to discuss before whispering to her as she walked offstage to trade her guitar in for a bass that she would be on again for the next show in Milwaukee. She received more cheers when she walked back out onstage to take her place on the left of the drums. She was exhausted by the time they got to the encore, but seeing as it was an unexpected rendition of “Lost Without Each Other,” she rallied. “It’s our song!” Zac yelled from the drums, as though he was surprised. Phoebe’s nose crinkled with laughter and she played like it was the last night on earth. 

The rest of the tour had been a dream, and one that inspired her more than anything before. Almost every night she had a new song to try out on the crowd. She would spend hours outside the venue after shows talking to fans and taking pictures, letting them in on secrets woven throughout her lyrics, laughing with them about the shared experience of the night. She was so different from the boys, who they placed on such a high pedestal. She liked being one of them, and they liked that about her. She saw them as friends instead of fans. 

But all good things must come to an end, and the magical tour ended in May, with Phoebe feeling as though she was on top of the world. They came home to three wives, of varying degrees of pregnancy, all waiting for them patiently at the studio to welcome them home. Phoebe watched as Kate, who looked about to pop at any moment, went over to Zac to greet him with a loving kiss. She smiled to herself because something had happened on this tour that she hadn’t realized until seeing them together. She had gotten over it. Taylor caught her smiling and asked her what was so funny. 

“Music is so crazy, you know?” she responded. 

“Care to elaborate?”

“I never thought I would get passed it. I thought...it was going to be too painful. I really thought I was going to have to stop playing with you guys but…” 

“What are you talking about?” Zac had snuck up on her as she was talking. 

“Phoebe was saying she thought she wasn’t going to play with us this tour?” Taylor said, incredulously.

“What?” Ike said from over by the guitars, placing his instruments back in their rightful spots. 

“Ha!” Zac barked, “as if that was ever going to happen. C’mon Phoebs, get your head out of your ass.” 

The four of them, forever bonded by so many things, erupted into laughter. It felt good to be home. 

 

***

 

Time spent at home always passed at a different speed than time spent on the road. It wasn’t that it was quicker or slower, just...different. Phoebe would, with no schedule to hold, sleep until early afternoon, hating herself when she woke up. She reminded herself of her mother, years ago, when the tragedy had first struck and she rarely got out of bed. 

She played some gigs on their time off, sitting at the bar in between sets and drinking gin and tonics, talking to the locals. Just like on tour, she loved getting to know the people who listened to her music, sometimes to a fault. She would text Taylor and if he wasn’t busy he would scurry away and have a nightcap with her.  
Whenever Zac drank, he would inevitably reach out to Phoebe, so he stopped drinking. 

Although it was quieter, Phoebe didn’t mind being home. She got to spend time with Natalie, and play with Ezra while Natalie was busy with the younger ones. She met Shepherd days after his birth, and when she took him in her arms and looked up at Zac, she couldn’t help but feel transported back to when she first held Ezra. 

“He’s beautiful, Zac,” she proclaimed. 

Two years later, when Junia was born, Phoebe watched Shepherd as the new baby was passed around. His eyes were on her constantly, making sure she was in safe hands, incredibly focused for a two year old. 

That night, when she fell asleep, she dreamed about her brother. Her real brother. She dreamed about them playing catch in the front yard, about them racing down the street (he always beat her fair and square). She was all at once ten years old and twenty five, but he was only fourteen. He was forever fourteen. 

She dreamed about him and her father leaving that summer morning. She was still eating her breakfast when they had departed (a container of peach yogurt, which she could not stomach after that day), waving half heartedly and half asleep as they walked out the door. Jacob had already been in his baseball uniform. Jacob. She barely even said his name anymore. It felt foreign. 

She dreamed of the car, even though she hadn’t been there. Of her father and her brother coming home, sunshine tired but happy to have spent the day together. She didn’t even know if Jacob had won his game. Details like that become pointless in the face of tragedy. She saw the headlights come towards them, the semi veering into the wrong lane, crashing head on into the two most important men in her life. 

The country road dissolved into the church filled with people dressed in mourning, but when she looked to her right, Jacob was there, his fourteen year old body towering over her petite frame. He turned towards her and winked, something he always did in the middle of church on Sundays when she started to get bored. Suddenly, it was their turn to go up to the casket, to offer their final goodbyes and condolences. But this was wrong, there was only one coffin, where there should have been two. She looked behind her, and sure enough, there was her dad, his hand on the small of her mother’s back. She looked back to her brother, but he was gone. She was alone in the church. She walked up to the casket and opened it cautiously, seeing a boy her age with blonde hair down to his shoulders. She let the lid come down crashing, and the sound it made in her dream brought her back to the real world, shooting up from her bed and gasping for air. 

She ran out of her house, and wasn’t fully aware of where her feet were taking her until she ended up on the walkway leading to Zac’s front porch. She needed to see him. She needed to make sure he was still there. As though she had willed him out of the house, the door opened and out he stepped, his keys in hand. 

“Phoebe?” He called down the walkway, unsure of what he was seeing. She rushed through the yard and flung herself into his arms, relief spilling over her. “What happened?” he asked, laughing a little at her dramatic entrance. 

“Bad...bad dream,” she sputtered. 

He sat her down on the porch steps and rubbed her back while she caught her breath. She was gasping for air, her heart racing. “I think you’re having a panic attack, Phoebs. Just breath. Hey. Hey, look at me. In….out…It’s okay. I’m here.” His voice was soothing and strong. They stayed like that for about ten minutes before he spoke again. “Wanna tell me what the dream was about?” 

“Jacob,” she replied, tears still spilling out of her eyes. 

“Oh man.” 

A fresh wave of sobs erupted from deep within her, and she buried her face in his chest. It had been so long since she cried about it. About him. 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Zac cooed, taking her face in his hands. “It’s okay. I’m here, Phoebs. You know that, right? I’m right here.”


	17. Always Keep Me At Your Side

#### Present Day 

Phoebe remained shaken for the rest of the morning. Her whole body was swirling with mixed emotions. There was a part of her that was so grateful for the phone call, another part that wished it had never come, and yet another part hoping that time would rewind itself so she could try it again. But if she had that power, she would go way farther back than just two hours ago. 

A few weeks ago, before going to Jamaica, she had subtly confided in Natalie. Phoebe had come over for dinner and after a few glasses of wine, was coaxed into staying the night in the guest room. Natalie insisted that it was just like their teenage sleepovers. It must have been a mixture of the wine and the presence of her first true female friend, but they started playing a silly game of truth or dare. It started as stupid questions, but quickly dissolved into heavy subjects as more wine was consumed. Natalie asked her if she was still in love with Zac. 

Phoebe took too long to answer. She wondered if Natalie knew. Surely she did, or else she wouldn’t have asked. 

“Wow...I stumped you,” Natalie said with a gleam in her eye. 

“Yes, I am. I guess. I didn’t think I was. But I guess that I am.” 

“I know,” she said, smiling. 

“Then why did you ask? And why are you smiling?” 

“I don’t know. I just...I like being right, I guess.” 

“You and the rest of this family,” Phoebe muttered.

“So…” 

“So what, Nat? He got married ten years ago and not to me.” 

“Right.” 

A few moments passed, and a few gulps were swallowed. 

“Did I tell you about the night before I moved?” Phoebe asked, her gaze fixed on her glass. 

“This summer?” 

“Yeah. Everything was all packed up, ready to go.” 

“I still can’t believe you drove a uhaul to New York.” 

“What can I say, I live for the road,” Phoebe joked, attempting to lighten the mood. “Anyway, I was trying to get some sort of rest before heading out the next morning, even though I was incredibly anxious. And I heard,” she stopped, laughing at the dramatics of it all, “I actually heard rocks on my window.” 

“What?!” Natalie started chuckling too. She had been right. It did feel like a slumber party from years past. It felt like they were talking about some silly high school boy, instead of a thirty year old man. 

“So I looked out my window and Zac was standing there like a doofus. I came downstairs and there he was, on the porch, a fistful of gravel in his hand that he scooped up from the driveway.” 

She drained her glass before going on. 

“And?” Natalie asked expectantly. 

“And….he told me not to go.” Phoebe finished, shrugging. 

“That’s it?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Did he say why?” Natalie was hanging on to every word of the story, as though she were watching a reality television show. 

“No,” Phoebe shrugged, “He just said ‘Don’t move to New York.’ But I didn’t listen, obviously. I had to go. I...had to go.” 

She set down her glass and hiked up her knees, hugging them close to her. She felt stupid for sharing that with someone, even if that someone was her close friend.  
“I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about that every day I was in New York.” It felt good telling Natalie that story, something she had kept secret for six months. 

Natalie narrowed her eyes at Phoebe. “But that was it...right?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, that was it.” 

She didn’t tell her that they had been in constant contact since she got home. That when they weren’t together they were texting, and when they weren’t texting they were talking on the phone, just like so much of their early relationship. She didn’t tell her that rehearsals were more electric than they had ever been, or how much fun they were all having, or how Taylor had to get slightly stern with them so they would stop laughing long enough to get through some songs. She didn’t tell her that she felt like she was sixteen again, or that she was the happiest she had been in years. She didn’t tell her how familiar it all felt, how easily they fell back into it, or that Zac had told her he loved her the previous night, before dropping her off at home after rehearsal.

#### Four Years Earlier

It was summer, and the band was taking a few months in between two international legs of their current tour to stay at home with their ever growing families. After years of coaxing, Phoebe’s mom eventually caved and took advantage of her daughter being home to finally move out of their too-large house. Phoebe, although she was usually on the road, took it as a sign to actually get her own place. They had returned home from the Philippines right at the beginning of April, and as soon as she stepped in the front door, she noticed that the air was different. She found her mom in the living room, rifling through photos and attempting to sort the tchotchkes that cluttered their home. It was the first time anything in the house had looked different in seventeen years. 

The move was a huge project, but at the end of the summer, her mom was settled into a much smaller cottage a few blocks away, with a guest room for Phoebe whenever she needed to spend the night. Phoebe on the other hand, found a studio apartment downtown. It wasn’t much, but it was hers. Not to mention, it was cheap enough for her to pay rent even when she was on the road. 

Natalie, who was pregnant yet again, helped her get settled one afternoon. She had to take a break about an hour in to rest her swollen feet. Phoebe started giggling at the sight of her taking a load off. 

“What!” 

“Oh nothing, it’s just...it’s just really funny.” 

“What is?” Natalie insisted. She wasn’t getting the joke yet. 

“We’re outfitting the tiniest and cheapest apartment in Tulsa for me to live alone in while you are pregnant with your fifth child. I don’t know, it’s just funny!” 

“It’s not a contest, Phoebs!” 

“You can’t admit that the juxtaposition is KIND OF funny?” 

Phoebe’s peals of laughter eventually caused Natalie to crack a smile and join her. She was right. Lives were absurd only because every single one was so different. 

“Can you even imagine if I was the one with five kids? Lord.” 

“You’d be a great mom!” Natalie exclaimed, always the most positive force in any room.

“I mean...thanks but...that’s not even the point. Anyway, I think I’m just delirious. I’m just tired.” There was so much more she could say. She debated whether or not to delve into it when there was knock on the door. 

“Pizza delivery!” A familiar voice called from the hall. 

“Come on in, boys!” Phoebe shouted back. Ike, Taylor, and Zac barged in, carrying pizzas and beer, as per move-in tradition. 

“Well...seems like you all have this covered,” Isaac observed. He was right...there wasn’t much else to do. 

“There are still a few book shelves in the van you could bring up. And there’s stuff at the studio I want to bring over here.” 

“Well great, then the sustenance is warranted.” 

They ate on the floor and cheersed their beer and water bottles to a successful last leg of the tour.

####  Present Day 

Phoebe looked around her tiny New York apartment. Moving here had been such a _thing_ , but at this exact moment, she was so happy to have a place she could call her own, away from Oklahoma. Then again, if she hadn’t moved in the first place, none of this might have happened. But she couldn’t think like that. Her apartment was a one bedroom, and she shared it with many of her instruments. All her guitars and basses lined one of the walls in her bedroom, standing at attention, ready to be played. The line up started with her first guitar, a hand me down from Ike, and ended with the bright red bass that had accompanied her on the Anthem world tour. 

The phone call from Kate haunted her. If she had been ready for it, she might have been able to respond, to defend herself. Kate didn’t deserve any of this, that she knew. Phoebe already felt guilty for the negative feelings she had towards her, especially during these last few months. She also knew, that at the end of the day, there was no point in defending herself. There was no point in shouting into the phone “you don’t understand! He told me he was going to leave you!” What good would that have done? It just would have broken one more heart, and one more family. 

Phoebe, over the years, believed a lot of things. She idealized the three boys from down the street, and would follow them to the ends of the earth (and, in many ways, did). In the heat of the moment, she had believed the ludicrous statements that Zac had made, saying that she was the one he wanted to spend forever with, that she was his soul mate. She laughed unbelievably at herself for being so gullible. She decided silently that she had made the right choice in letting Kate speak uninterrupted. Even if it meant feeling very alone for a while. 

There was one more person she had to talk to, though. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready yet.


	18. I'll Still Be There Despite Your Despair

#### Eight Months Earlier 

“It’s the right thing for me to do right now. And I know that if I don’t do it now, I never will,” Phoebe explained, trying her best to keep her eyes locked on Taylor’s blue ones. Sometimes he looked so deep into her soul it made her feel vulnerable, or like he could make her do anything he wanted. He had met up with her at the bar for her second set of the night, promising to buy her a few drinks once she wrapped up. Now they were sitting in a booth, her sound equipment safe in his truck. “You’re the first person that I’ve told.” 

Taylor was silent for a few moments, and Phoebe was terrified that her plan to move to New York would be met with some sort of anger or resentment. She tried to regulate her breathing and not look too anxious. 

“I think it’s amazing,” Taylor finally said, allowing Phoebe to fill her lungs to full capacity again. 

“Really?!” 

“Yes! Yes...I think it’s great. I’m so proud of you Phoebe, and I can’t wait to be even prouder of you when you’re off on your own making music and doing your own thing. This is so awesome.” 

She willed her eyes not to fill up with tears of happiness and relief. 

“And you’ll visit as much as humanly possible, right?” He inquired.

“Yes, yes of course. And you guys always hit New York on tours. It’s just...it’s just time, you know?”

“It is. I think it will be great for you. And probably great for...other people,” he said, referencing his younger brother. 

They both took a gulp of their respective beers. 

“When will you leave?” he asked. 

“I have a uhaul booked in two weeks.” 

“That’s soon.”

“Yep.” 

“You might want to tell some other people soon. Namely my brothers.” 

“K, I’ll text Mackie right now.” 

Taylor snorted and signaled the server that he wanted another round for both of them. Phoebe made a face at him but he insisted. “We’re celebrating!” 

“You’re always celebrating.” 

“I don’t see how that’s a bad thing,” he retorted, making her laugh even harder. 

“I’ll tell them tomorrow,” Phoebe decided out loud. In a few days, Zac would show up in her front yard and tell her to stay. A shocking contrast to how Taylor took the news. 

“Zac will not take it well,” Taylor predicted (correctly), “which is exactly why you need to go.” 

It was Phoebe’s turn to snort, “You’re telling me.” The server delivered their fresh beers, giving Phoebe a moment to think before speaking again. “Hey Taylor?” 

“Mmm?” 

“I know you hate when I apologize but…”

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“Let me finish! I’m sorry I kind of just...plopped myself down in your life all those years ago. I feel like all I’ve ever done is cause trouble.” 

Taylor narrowed his gaze at her. He looked almost offended by her statement. 

“Are you kidding me, Phoebe? No. No you don’t get to say something like that.” 

“I just….”

“No. First of all, I am the one that sat down beside you on the curb that day. Remember? I could have walked right by you. So don’t ever say that you plopped down into my life, when very clearly, based on pure fact alone, I plopped down into yours. I am the one that sent Zac over to your house when he asked you to come and play. I am the one that first invited you into the garage to play music with us and I am the one that decided you would come on tour. So no, you’re not allowed to take responsibility for that.”

Phoebe smiled, despite herself. 

“And even if you were the one to insert yourself into our lives, what in the world do you have to be sorry for? The killer shows we've played? All the nights you opened for us when we needed you and we beamed from backstage watching you? All the fun we’ve had? The songs we’ve written together?”

“But…”

“So what, you dated my brother and it didn’t work out. This,” he gestured to the space between them, indicating their decades long friendship, “this is more important. You know that.”

#### Present Day

Phoebe finished her first gig back at one of her regular coffee shops and immediately felt just a little bit healed. She needed to lose herself in the music for a few hours. She knew it was the only way she was going to be able to get any sleep that night. The past week had been all tossing and turning. 

She packed up her meager gig equipment, stuffing her set list into the front pocket of her guitar case. Her hand hit something, and she pulled out a yellow envelope. Her confused look turned into realization when she remembered Taylor handing her this at the airport the day she flew back to New York. He had told her not to open it just then, and she, being wrapped up in the events of the past few weeks, had totally forgotten about it. _Classic Phoebe_ , she thought as she ripped it open right there on the floor in front of her amp. 

It was a CD in a thin case with her name scrawled across the front in permanent marker. She reached her hand back in and found a piece of paper with a note written in Taylor’s messy handwriting. 

_Hey Phoebs,_  
The other day I was cleaning out some files on the computer at the studio and found all of these demos you recorded. Go get a record deal already. Love you. -T  
PS - don’t thank me for this, you are the one who wrote the songs. I just put them on a CD. Which is actually incredibly easy to do. 

She decided with conviction that in the morning she would start sending the music out. It was time to record an album.


	19. You Feel Like Liberation

#### Two Months Earlier 

Phoebe was laying on her mom’s couch, watching TV while mindlessly scrolling through her facebook feed when she heard a knock on the door. She heaved herself up, throwing a blanket aside, and went to the door to find Zac there, waiting patiently. 

“What’s up?” She asked before adding, “Holy Shit, it’s freezing.” 

“Wanna go for a drive?” He asked. 

“Sure.” 

This was their secret language for “can we talk?” It had been since they turned sixteen and got their licences. His house was always full of people, her house felt like some strange museum, but they felt safe inside a car. Earlier that evening, they had rehearsed for a few hours, coasting on the pure high of music. 

Now, they were coming down from that high, Zac at the steering wheel, and Phoebe in the passenger side. It reminded them both of so many previous nights. 

“Do you remember when we went for a drive before my wedding?” Zac asked, apparently reminded of one very specific car ride. 

“Oh, you mean the most embarrassing moment of my life? Yeah, I think that’s permanently branded into my memory bank.”

“What?! Come ON, you’ve done plenty of more embarrassing things.” 

“Thanks, Zachary.” 

They laughed at each other, remembering their young and stupid past. Phoebe had requested a drive, on a late May night in 2006, right before the whole clan left for Georgia. They drove in silence for a while, soaking each other up. It was the end of something, and they both were painfully aware that nothing was going to be the same when Zac returned home with his new wife. Phoebe placed her hand on his forearm, the unspoken signal for him to pull over so they could talk. As soon as the car was parked, she looked over at him and said simply, “Don’t get married.” 

That was ten years ago. She felt like a completely different person, and yet the memory was so tangible, so close to the surface. 

“I wish I had listened to you,” Zac said, causing Phoebe to sharply turn her head to look at him. 

“You don’t mean that,” she dismissed. 

“No I...I think I do.” 

“Why? What could possibly make you say that.” 

“We never even...we never had a chance as adults. We were just two kids playing at love, and eventually breaking each other’s hearts. I was so young when I got married, God, I...I couldn’t even drink yet.” 

Phoebe couldn’t help but smile, just a tiny bit. His words sounded so much like hers, the day he told her he was proposing. Just slightly distorted, as though seen through the warped mirror of time. 

Before she knew it, his lips were on hers, kissing her deeply, as though he was searching for something he had lost years ago. In a perfect world, she would have pulled away, but it was only mere seconds before she gave in, leaning into the very thing that felt so familiar. So warm. His hands reached up to her hair, tangling his fingers in her dark curls. They came up for air panting, their eyes darting over every inch of the other’s face. 

“What...what’s happening?” Phoebe asked.

“I don’t know...I don’t...I don’t know what to do anymore, Phoebs. When we were playing today...I don’t know it was just like...everything. Everything from the past came welling up in me. I know that sounds weird and…”

“Like a song,” Phoebe finished for him. 

He let out a sharp exhalation of air, not surprised that she was still so good at finishing his thoughts. 

“I miss you so much. Even when you’re standing three feet away from me playing your bass. It’s not close enough. I miss you, I miss this.” 

“But…” she started, but was unable to finish, Zac once again kissing her with intense desperation. She felt a stirring deep in the pit of her stomach. She knew that she wanted to go further, to touch every inch of him. To be with him like they used to be, back when it was just a little simpler. 

There was no discussion, no reading of rules, no plan. There was no asking questions, no wondering how long this would last, no end game. There was just them, drunk on secrets and memories. They collided into each other, moaning each other’s names, grasping at each other’s flesh. Starving for the love they had abandoned years ago. 

 

***

 

It was late one night, just a few days before Christmas, when Zac and Phoebe texted each other in secret codes in order to meet up at the studio. If caught, they could easily say that inspiration had struck and they were writing. Things of that sort had been happening for years, and it wasn’t out of the ordinary. 

She couldn’t help but notice how their bodies still fit together, even after all this time. How easily they curled into one another, how simple and right it felt. 

The secrecy added a sense of desperation and excitement that neither of them had ever experienced, as though a fire was burning just below the surface. A fire that only they could see. It was like the feeling they got when they sang to each other onstage, but turned up all the way. The volume going far past its maximum strength. She was constantly amazed that no one smelled it on them, because to her, they reeked of each other. She was shocked that Zac’s brothers, who always seemed to be around when glances were thrown or smiles stifled, didn’t notice something sooner, never questioned them staying late together at the studio, or that they couldn’t seem to wipe the grins from their faces. 

When they weren’t together, they kept each other in their pockets, by way of their phones. They never agreed upon it, but there was an unspoken rule that they wouldn’t discuss life outside of their bubble. No mention of wives or children or the end of January, when Phoebe would have to once again leave their home town. They got swept up in their own imaginations, laying together on the floor of the studio, long after rehearsal ended, limbs intertwined and sweat drying on their faces. 

“Did I ever tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen?” Phoebe said in a dreamy voice, still coming down from the adrenaline of sleeping with a man she loved in secret at what was, for all intents and purposes, their office. It was like some sick fantasy come to life, and she was not unaware of the absurdity of it. She turned on her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, looking down at his face. 

“They’re...brown, Phoebe.” 

“Yeah I know they are brown, Zachary,” she teased back. “Brown eyes don’t get enough credit. They’re comforting. They’re like home I don’t think I could ever love someone who doesn’t have brown eyes. Not after you.” 

As soon as she said it she wondered if this breached their non-existent contract. She went on, hoping he wouldn’t notice that she had veered momentarily into the future. 

“I remember our first kiss, it was the first time I really noticed your eyes. I could have fallen right into them. God, that’s cheesey,” she said, shaking her head and laughing at herself. 

“A natural lyricist,” Zac commented, making Phoebe snort. 

“Oh God, please never let me put ‘I could have fallen right into your eyes’ in a song, just kill me know.” 

He pulled her in closer to him, silencing her with a kiss. It grew deeper, and Phoebe thought for a moment that they were going to go at it again, which she didn’t protest against. Suddenly, he pulled away, but kept her face in his hands. 

“This is right,” he said, looking her in the eyes. In his face she saw the past twenty years sprawled out before her, everything she had ever known and ever loved. “This is it. I want to do this. I want to spend forever with you.” She leaned in, trying to kiss him, but he jerked away again to add “Okay, you can’t let me ever put THAT in a song.” 

They both threw their heads back, peals of laughter escaping their throats. That’s how it always was with them, it seemed. They could go through a whole spectrum of extreme emotions in one conversation. God, he made her happy, Phoebe thought to herself as his hand found it’s way back between her legs. He dove underneath the blanket they had been cuddling under and explored her with his tongue. She leaned her head back in ecstasy, never wanting this night, this moment, to end. 

“Never leave me,” she breathed, in between gasps of pleasure. And yet, in some deep part of herself she knew, even then, that he would.


	20. Where Do You Hide When You Feel Young?

“Get in loser, we’re going to Jamaica,” Taylor called from the driver’s seat of his truck once Phoebe hauled her suitcase out of the front door of her mother’s house. She bent over in exasperated laughter. 

“Come help me, twerp!” She shouted back. Zac bounded out of the backseat and took the suitcase from her, heaving it into the trunk. She slid her bass in between Ike’s guitars and hopped in. “It’s too early for you to be quoting Mean Girls at me, Tay.” 

“Impossible.” 

“You are the weirdest person I know.” 

“Let’s go!!!” Taylor exclaimed as he pulled out of the driveway, heading towards the airport. Phoebe had to admit, she was excited to get there. Even though it was technically work, this sure felt like the very definition of a vacation from reality. Not to mention, she would have nearly a week with Zac with no interruptions. Sure, they would have to be careful around the fans, but it wouldn’t feel quite so much like hiding. This week she would have her three best friends all to herself. 

 

***

 

_"Never been enough, to be standing still_  
_Always had a taste, for another thrill_  
_When I hit a wall, when I'm put to the test_  
_I always find it hard to ignore it"_

The opening night concert was, in a word, electric. Every single person on stage and in the audience seemed to be on fire, pure adrenaline and excitement coursing through the very air that they shared. The island sky shook with Zac’s drum beats, and the screams from the fans amped up everyone’s performance to an even higher level. _There is nothing like this_ , Phoebe thought to herself in between songs, _this is the best feeling that there is_. She silently challenged anyone to find something better, while she smiled her way through the show. 

“I missed this so much!!!” she yelled to Taylor, when he looked back at her during “Where’s the Love”, and he threw his head back grinning, sweat flying behind him. She jumped up and down with the crowd during “If Only”. She felt like she was going to buzz right out of her skin as soon as the opening chords of “Lost Without Each Other” started. She yelled “Are you listening?” up to the stars. 

After the show, they couldn’t get up to Zac’s hotel room fast enough. They practically smashed into each other, not to mention into the wall, ripping their sweat soaked concert clothes off of each other like rabid animals. Zac threw Phoebe’s small frame onto the bed, as if to devour her, the echo of their song still in their ears. . Time was slipping through their fingers, and yet everything seem to be suspended perfectly in amber. Their senses were heightened, their pleasure was magnified. Zac lifted his head from between Phoebe's legs and grinned up at her, sending her heart into a frenzy. If they were drunk on island air, so be it

***

Every day on the island was a treasure, or so it felt to Phoebe. She played a solo show the next night, dusting off songs she hadn’t played in years, simply because she felt like she was sixteen again. She saw Zac at the back of the crowd, watching her intently. _He’s being so obvious_ , she thought, with a giggle to herself. She didn’t even care. _Let the world see._

Nights were spent at the resort bar, schmoozing with fans. Zac would order a beer, even though he didn’t drink, and Phoebe would slyly finish it for him, before heading up to their respective bedrooms. Half an hour later, with a text that the coast was clear, Phoebe would tiptoe down the hall to Zac’s bed. She was thankful that she never had to be up too early for anything, because they weren’t doing much sleeping at night. She would wake up well past noon, and lazily get ready for the shows of the day. The day of Zac’s solo show, she traipsed out of his hotel room and ran right into Taylor. 

“Hey!” she said, in a too loud, overly cheerful voice. 

“Whoa, watch out Phoebs.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“Um...I was getting more film for my camera. I ran out during the tie dye session this morning.” 

“Oh okay, cool. Cool. Well. I’ll see you down there.” 

“Did you just wake up?” Taylor caught her by the arm as she attempted to slip past. Her eye make up was smeared and her hair was a mess, but now she was committed to the lie. 

“What? No I um...I’ve been awake. I just left something in Zac’s room and I was getting it.” 

“What did you leave?”

“What?” 

“What is it that you left?” he asked, looking down at her empty hands. 

“Oh shit! I didn’t even get it. I must be really hungover or something.” She said as she scurried back to her own room, not wanting to be trapped by Taylor’s blue eyes any longer than she had to be. 

Later that day, Taylor came up behind her and whispered, “Don’t think you guys are fooling anyone” into her ear as she watched Zac begin to play “Juliet.” She had been smiling like a lunatic, not realizing that Taylor had been watching her every move since their encounter in the hallway. 

“Tay…”

“Just don’t be stupid, Phoebs. The fans are incredibly perceptive. They already know what’s going on. Shut it down.” 

There were exactly three times in her life that Phoebe felt like a caged animal. One was the day her family had been ripped away from her. She remembered letting out an beastly moan when the police officer told her and her mother the news, a noise she didn't know resided inside of her. Her heart kicked into overdrive and she felt like she was caught in a trap, causing her to run out of her house. The second was the day of Taylor's wedding, when her tight dress and the way Zac's hand never seemed to leave her back at the reception made her feel like she couldn't breathe. The third was this moment on the beach. Panic rose in her throat as she realized that Taylor had figured it all out, so it was only a matter of time before everyone else did. Everything was about to break. 

That night, as Zac and Phoebe laid together in his bed, she suggested that they stay there forever. “We don’t have to go back to Tulsa. Let’s just stay here.” 

“I love that idea,” Zac replied, going along with the make-believe. “Hell, we don’t even have to leave this hotel room.” She smiled, loving when he played along. 

“The guys would be okay with that, right?”

“Oh yeah, totally. They’re pretty sick of me.” 

“Great.” Phoebe sat up with an idea. “Let’s go down to the water!” 

“We just agreed that we were never leaving this hotel room.” 

“Mmm, that can start tomorrow. But everyone’s asleep right now, we can go down to the beach and no one will see us. Come on!” She got up and slipped on one of Zac’s shirts. She pulled at his arm until he complied, and before they knew it they were at the water line, looking at the moon’s reflection in the waves. Zac put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. 

Phoebe closed her eyes and willed the ever present “but what’s next” to be silent for only a few minutes. It was always nagging at her, especially now that Taylor had found them out. She knew that in two days they would be back in Tulsa, and soon after that she would be back in New York. Zac had said, only moments before, that he wanted to be with her forever. _Forever_. The word reverberated through every corner of her mind. It was the same word that he had used in his wedding vows. 

Zac closed his eyes and felt Phoebe’s warmth at his side. He had dreamed of nights like these for years. His life had changed so drastically when he had been so young, causing him to grow up time and time again. And yet here he was, living with reckless abandon next to the woman that he loved. One of them. The other one was back at home, with their children. He knew this all had an expiration date, that it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down around them. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. There were so many things about him that Phoebe understood and shared that no one else ever could. She knew him before they had made it big, had known them through their rise to fame, and yet stood by them faithfully. She understood what it was like to write a song, to perform a song, to tour the world with that song. She had shared almost every show, every experience from the road. They spoke the same language. 

And yet...Kate was the woman he had chosen. She was the woman who had raised his children while he was travelling, who had waited for him patiently to return home. Who was waiting for him now. Zac knew he was lying when he whispered his plans to leave his wife for Phoebe. Phoebe knew that she was lying when she said she believed him.


	21. You're the One That Brings Me Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song featured in this chapter is an original composition. Let me know if you would like to hear it, I would be happy to share it with you. :)

Phoebe’s phone buzzed. 

_Zac: Drive?_  
_Phoebe: Yep._  
_Zac:I’m already outside._  
_Phoebe: Creep._

Phoebe slipped on some shoes and threw a hoodie over her head. She hadn’t been sleeping anyway. She was still buzzing from Jamaica, even though they had been home for over a day. She flung the car door open and hopped inside.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. “I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Yeah me either,” Phoebe confessed, as he pulled out of the driveway. Her window was open a few inches, and she fiddled with the buttons on the door to no avail.

“Oh yeah, that window is broken,” Zac mentioned. 

“It’s freezing!” 

“You’ll get used to it.” 

They drove through the neighborhood, but that only took a few minutes. After almost a full week together, they had gotten greedy. They wanted more time. 

Zac hung a left and made his way out of town. He turned up the music and rested his hand on Phoebe’s leg. They mindlessly sang along to the radio, Phoebe automatically harmonizing with Zac without even thinking, switching to the melody quickly whenever he went up a third. He smiled at her every few blocks. 

“Hey Zac?” 

“Yeah?” 

She took a deep breath to prepare for the conversation that neither of them wanted to have. “I...I have to leave soon.” 

“I don’t really want to talk about that right now.” 

“But...it’s true….” 

“We’ll figure it out, let’s just be here now, okay?” 

“I’m supposed to leave in…”

“Phoebe.” 

She felt panic rise in the back of her throat. They hadn’t planned for this. What was going to happen now that their time was running out? 

“Zac, I just really…” 

He squeezed her leg, making her lose her train of thought. He moved his hand up to the back of her neck, tangling his fingers in her hair. She noticed headlights in the distance. 

Time all at once sped up and slowed down. She saw the truck coming straight towards them, and yet it was as if she was watching it from above. She could see Zac turn towards her and move his lips, but couldn’t hear him begin to tell her he loved her. 

“ZAC!!!!” 

She grabbed the wheel and veered his car into the ditch lining the country road, as the truck sailed into the night behind them. The last thing she remembered was seeing Zac slumped over in his seat, a trickle of blood running down his forehead. 

***

Phoebe woke up in a hospital room, her wrist in a splint and a small bandage on her temple. Taylor was sitting beside her bed, playing on his phone. 

“Where’s Zac?” she muttered. 

“Phoebe? Oh God, you’re awake. How are you feeling, do you need some water? You’re mom is on her way, I had Nat go pick her up.”

“I...where am I?” 

“Well...You’re in the hospital. You and Zac were in an accident. Someone driving by saw his car in a ditch by the side of the road and called 911. You hit your head and passed out, but other than that it’s just your wrist that’s injured.” 

“Where’s Zac?” she asked again. 

“He’s a few rooms down. He’s still out, I think.” 

“Is he hurt?” 

“He’s pretty beat up. You all landed on the driver’s side. But I think he’ll be fine. Maybe a few cuts to stitch up.” 

Phoebe closed her eyes in relief. 

“Kate’s in there with him, waiting for him to wake up. I’m sure he’ll be fine,” he said, as if trying to convince himself that it was true. 

“Will you stay with me? Just for a little while?” Phoebe asked, almost too quiet to hear. 

“Yeah, of course.” 

***

The doctor decided to keep them both there until morning, just to be on the safe side. Taylor eventually took Kate home, after being reassured that they would let her know when Zac woke up and that the doctors would take good care of them both. As they were leaving, they passed the door to Phoebe's room, and Kate glanced in. Their eyes met, only for a moment, but in that look Phoebe knew, with every fiber of her being, that they had to stop. This was it. This was the end. 

Phoebe slipped out of her bed and walked down the hall to where Zac was still passed out. She curled up on the chair next to his bed, the sun already rising through the window. 

After about an hour, his eyelids fluttered open. He looked over and saw her sitting there, his eyes filling with tears. 

“Phoebs?” 

“Hey. Welcome back.” 

“Where the fuck…” he started, trying to sit up, his face contorting in pain. 

“We were in an accident,” she said, not looking him in the eye. 

They sat in silence for a few moments, both looking out the window at the sun climbing into the sky. 

“I’ll text Tay and let him know you’re up. He can tell Kate and everyone.” 

“Okay.” 

“Hey Zac?” Phoebe said as she started to leave. 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re staying with her.” It was less of a question, more of a statement. It was Phoebe acknowledging that it was the right thing for him to do, and that she already knew that. But she still wanted to hear his response. 

He let out a heavy sigh, turning his gaze from the window to look at her lingering in the door frame. 

“Yeah. I am.” 

“Okay.” 

***

When she got home she picked up her guitar, rolling her eyes at the awkward splint, which made it difficult to form chords. She took it off, promising herself she would put it back on as soon as she got this song out of her system. Thank God _it wasn’t my right wrist_ , she thought. It would have been impossible to strum. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Songwriting was fickle. There were days, weeks, even months, where she wouldn’t write a single lyric. Then there would be moments, like this one, where a song would tumble out of her, already fully formed. And so she did what she always did. Escaped into the music. It was the only place anything made sense. 

We took a midnight drive  
Windows down, not by choice  
They are broken just like us  
Broken like my trust  
And the sound of my voice  
We turned the radio on  
And sang along  
To every song  
I’ll take the third so stay on the melody  
You almost ran a red or two  
When you looked at me looking at you  
I’ll keep that moment just for me

No one needs to know that we took this drive  
No one needs to know how hard we tried  
That our favorite songs are the same  
The way you sound when you say my name  
And how it’s been so long since we’ve been on track  
How I can tell you everything  
You know which part I’m gonna sing  
And if you had tried to kiss me  
I would have kissed you back  
No one needs to know that 

I keep saying this is it  
And it has been for a while  
The last page of the chapter  
I’ve written it all down  
So what happens now?  
What happens after?  
Do we go back to how it was,  
our shoulders brush and we start to buzz  
Out of our skin, just because we can’t hide  
Do we go on and be okay  
I’ll see your face and look away  
Memories flood my brain  
Of the days you made me cry

No one needs to know how hard we clung  
No one needs to know how much it stung  
How our favorite songs are the same  
The way you sound when you say my name  
Or how it’s been so long since we’ve been on track  
How i can tell you everything  
You know which part I’m gonna sing  
And if you had tried to kiss me  
I would have kissed you back  
No one needs to know that

I almost said “this could have worked”  
But I didn’t  
This could have worked  
but it didn’t  
We did it wrong  
Now all I have are songs  
And all you have is what you’ve had all along  
No one needs to know I took sips from your beer  
No one needs to know that I could stay right here  
I could stay right here. 

***

Phoebe pressed stop on her old cassette tape player so that the red record button released. She rewound the tape and stuck it in an envelope, sealing it tightly. She had to leave for New York in the morning. 

She pedalled her bike to Zac’s house, the cold wind whipping her curls in front of her face. She hadn’t even started packing. When she saw the warm glow from the windows of the house, any breath she still had in her lungs vanished. She saw figures moving behind the blinds. Two loving parents putting their children to bed. A wife, thankful that her husband was home safe and sound after a car accident. A son kissing his dad good night. The envelope felt heavy in her pocket. 

She parked her bike in the yard and walked up to the porch steps. She wasn’t sure what to do next. 

Phoebe sat with a crinkled envelope in her hands on a porch she had been on hundreds of times.


	22. We Were Busy Making Big Mistakes Yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! This is the final chapter, so I hope you've enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. <3 -HJ

#### Present Day 

Phoebe glanced out of her window, seeing the February sun peek it’s head out of the clouds for the first time since she had gotten home. She cracked the window open and shoved her hand outside, pleasantly surprised with how warm it felt. This was her favorite time of year. The thaw, when spring was imminent. She threw on a jacket that was a bit lighter than the coat she had been wearing recently, and bounded down the stairs, guitar case in tow. She was headed to her friend’s house - a musician she had met at choir practice (they were both subjected to the alto section since they could read music flawlessly) who she was becoming fast friends with. They loved to meet up on Wednesday afternoons to play music and gossip about the happenings of the week. 

She opened the front door of her apartment building, prepared to leap through the threshold into the first hint of warmth of the year. Instead, she stopped dead in her tracks. 

Zac was standing on the bottom-most step, waiting for her. 

They stood there for a few moments, looking at each other. Waiting for the other to speak. 

“...Hey. Um. Hey, Phoebs.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Well you weren’t calling me, so I thought maybe I could come to you.” 

“I was going to call you this evening. I had finally talked myself into doing it. I was finally ready.” 

“Well...surprise.” Zac smirked, hoping she would laugh along with him. She didn’t. 

She set her guitar case on the stoop and took a breath, steeling herself for the talk they were about to have. “Do you um...want to come in?” 

“You were on your way out. We can...um...we can just meet up later if you want.” 

“No, it’s not important,” she said, hating herself for dropping all plans just because Zac was at her front door. “I just gotta text someone. Um. Come on up,” 

“Do you want to go somewhere instead? Get coffee?” 

“No I don’t really want to be in public for this. I’m probably…” 

“Gonna cry.” He hadn’t meant to finish her sentence, it was just reflex. 

They walked back up the two flights of stairs to her apartment, and she showed him in. She couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed with how small it was. 

“How did you get my address?” She asked. 

“Taylor gave it to me.” 

“Damnit, Tay,” she muttered. She thought he had been on her side. Granted, he probably thought Zac was going to write her a letter. Not fly to New York. “What does your family think you’re doing?” 

“Working with another band on some songwriting stuff. Which I actually am going to be doing this week, just not today. I came a few days early.” 

“Clever. Loophole.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” 

“Oh.” 

It was the most awkward silence the two of them had ever shared. They were always so outspoken, so it felt inherently wrong. Like something was out of sorts with the entire universe. 

“Well I guess I’ll start…” Zac began, before being interrupted by Phoebe.

“Have you ever noticed? Have you ever noticed that our entire story has just been...like...a collection of moments where we are standing outside of each other’s doors?” She looked up at him. “Have you ever noticed that? It’s always one of us standing on the porch, one of us at the door. But we never let each other in. We never have. Not really.” 

“Um...I guess I haven’t noticed...”

“Yeah me either. Until just now. When we were downstairs. I saw you there and I wasn’t even surprised. Isn’t that weird? Like, in no way should you have been outside my front door today. I wasn’t expecting you, or thinking about you, or even hoping you would be outside. But I wasn’t even surprised you were there. I just thought oh of course he’s standing outside of my door. Because that’s just...that’s just what we do.” 

She was right, they realized together. The first time he had come over to ask her to play, he stood on her stoop and knocked fervently at her door until she answered. She had been surprised it wasn’t Taylor, but instead his younger, goofier, little brother. And so began their childhood friendship, Zac being sent to Phoebe’s house to knock on her door and wait patiently until she answered nearly every single day after school. 

Then there was the time he came to see her after tour, and she kissed him. The time he knocked on the door to tell her he was going to propose to Kate, and that she couldn’t come to the wedding. The night she showed up before the wedding, and the night of bad dreams when she flew to his house without even thinking, only to see him opening the door and heading out (to where? To go stand on her porch? She still didn’t know). There had been the day he rang the doorbell and tried to convince her not to move to New York. The night he innocently suggested a drive, the night it all ended. There had been countless others, the realization dawning on them that this was what it all boiled down to. The whole story. 

“So…” he started, wondering if she had any more to say on the matter.

“So that’s it, I guess. We just have to stop. We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep...showing up at each other’s doors with boomboxes over our heads hoping to reclaim the love that we’ve always had for each other.”

“Hey, I’ve never done the boombox thing.” 

“Sure, but we’ve both written plenty of songs. It’s basically the same thing.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“It’s never going to be like it was. No matter how hard we try. We can’t keep chasing something that doesn’t exist.” 

“I love you, Phoebe. I loved you and I love you. I just...I just want you to know that. I never meant to hurt you. Not then and not now.” 

“But you did hurt me, Zac,” he should have known that she wasn’t going to accept an apology so quickly. 

“I know but…”

“And I hurt you, too. But life...goes on. And we learn. We make mistakes and then we learn. We were nasty to each other, Zac. At the end of the day? Just...plain nasty. I told you not to marry the woman you loved, do you remember that? I told you you were trying to prove something to me. What kind of psychological crap was I even trying to pull?! And you...you told me you were going to leave Kate. You actually looked me straight in the eye and you told me I was the one, the one you wanted to be with forever. And then when it all came down to it, you once again, did not choose me. As though there was ever going to be any other ending.”

“Phoebe...I’m…” 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about all of this, you know, all that time ignoring your phone calls…”

He chuckled and shook his head. 

“And I think I...I just think that this has to be the end. You know? And I guess I don’t know what exactly that means yet. Because I’ve thought it was the end so many times before, I mean shit, our friendship is so resilient it’s shocking, really. But...but yeah I think this is it. Don’t you?” 

Zac nodded his head slowly. 

“When we got in that car wreck, and I looked over and I saw you slumped over the steering wheel, my first thought was that I needed to figure out a way to go, too. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t want to feel like I can’t keep living if you’re gone. If anyone is gone.” 

For the first time in their entire friendship, Zac was rendered completely speechless. 

“You came into my life when I didn’t have anyone, and I am forever grateful for that. But we can’t keep trying to recreate the stories we told when we were ten. It has to be done.” 

Zac silently got up from the couch and went over to his messenger bag, pulling out a key. He offered it to Phoebe, without an explanation. 

“What is this?” 

“One last thing. Before it’s done. I want to show you what that opens.” 

They went back down the stairs and outside, Zac leading the way down a few blocks. He seemed excited, even though the mood in Phoebe’s apartment had grown quite somber. 

“Zac, seriously where are you taking me?” 

“Just a few more blocks, I think,” he said over his shoulder, checking his phone.

“You think?!” 

They rounded a corner and he descended a few stairs to the basement entrance of a beautiful brick building. Phoebe looked up at the windows, all of which were decorated with cut outs of music notes and treble clefs. “Is this a music school?” She asked, still incredibly confused. 

“That,” Zac pointed up to the building, “is a music school. This,” he pointed to the basement entrance, “is not.” He held out his hand, and Phoebe brandished the key. He opened the door as he said, “This...this is your new studio.” He flicked on the light, and ushered her in. 

She walked inside and gasped. It was small (“I prefer the word quaint,” Zac joked) but it was perfect. There was everything she could ever need. Keyboards, microphones, a mixing desk, studio monitors, even a small vocal booth in the back. 

“What...what is this? When did you do this?! HOW did you do this?” 

“I’ve been here for a few days. It’s from all of us, actually. It was Taylor’s idea. Ike handled all the logistics. I just...I wanted to do the whole putting it together part myself.” 

“That...all sounds about right,” she said with a sly smile. They were still the same boys she had known all along.

“We wanted you to have a place here where you could properly record all of your songs. All the ones that you’ve written and all the ones about standing on porches and knocking on doors that I’m sure are just dying to come out of you soon. You’re the best musician I know. Your stories deserve to be told.” 

“I...I don’t...thank you….”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Zac said, pulling her in for one final hug. “You’ve put up with us for twenty years, it’s us that should be thanking you.” He stepped towards the door, and turned around as though he had forgotten something. 

“Okay. Now. Now it can be done.” 

He walked out the door and into the afternoon sunlight, leaving Phoebe alone in the studio. She looked at the back wall and saw her cello standing there. She had left it in Tulsa, too scared to transport something so special to her, but she knew it on sight. 

She sat down, methodically rosined her bow, and began to play. She played for Zac, and Taylor, and Isaac. She played for their families and their children. For Ezra. For Natalie. She played for her mother, and for her father. She played for Jacob. She played for all the memories they had together, both the beautiful and the heartbreaking. But mostly….mostly she played for herself.

#### Twenty One Years Earlier

Phoebe heard a knock on her front door. Her head shot up from the book she was reading, and she rushed down the stairs to investigate. 

“Hey are you Phoebe?” a smiley, blonde boy with big brown eyes, right around her age asked her. His clothes were baggy and his hair was down to his shoulders, and he spoke as though they were already fast friends. 

“Yeah!”

“I’m Taylor’s brother. He told me to come over and get you. Want to come play?” 

“Hey Mom??” Phoebe yelled over her shoulder. “I’m gonna go play with my friends!” She didn’t wait for a response before she bounded down the the walkway. 

Zac grabbed her hand and pulled her towards his house. It was summer and she was smiling for the first time in weeks.


End file.
